Goodbye, My Lovers

This the end. This is the end, my friends.

Or was that just James Blunt's last words before he... where did he end up, anyway?

Regardless, this will be the last post for Randy's Wring. We've had a gay old time here, but it's time to move on and close up shop.

"No!" cried Burgundy. "You can't close this off when I've just recently been crowned Champion! This is so unfair!"

My dear Burgundy, I must rest. And you must take a chill pill. I mean, it's not like I'm taking away the Title Belt from you or anything. (By the way, I hear that it's still at Sitch's residence because Burgundy keeps forgetting to take it - I guess that means you don't take it seriously?) I'm just wrapping up this Report.

"... OK," said Burgundy sniffing.

I named this year's League "Randy's Wring" because I had a spidey sense (like the cop who pulled over Dick Burns for cutting him off at an intersection that one time) that this season was going to be fucking close. And, like the prophet that I am, things turned out as such. Burgundy pulled out a late season surge, Safari rolled over, and Sitch remained an idiot for leaving games on the table.

"Please, stop reminding me already!" said Safari, halfway through a Fiber 1 chewy bar.

Go fuck yourself, irritable bowel syndrome.

While teams weren't regularly trading spots in the Wring per the stats reports, there were some pretty massive intra-week swings, and for the Burg, Safari and Sitch, it pretty much went down to the final two weeks. Hmmm, didn't I predict something like this during the Combine?

Commissioner Randy had placed Safari/Burgundy deadlocked for first during the Combine, followed by Sitch for third. Given that Safari lost to Burgundy by less than 30 fantasy points, I'd say that's a pretty damn good prediction.

In closing, I have a few remarks for you select-GM's:

BURGUNDY - Congratulations again, Master of Penial Analytics. While you didn't require your MPA skills this year, you certainly did more than enough analysis to defend your Title. And, with your refined physique and ever improving slicked hair, you are becoming more GQ than Beckham himself. Kudos to your winnings; in fantasy, in physique, and in fashion.

"Fffffantastic," said Burgundy.

SAFARI - To my dear silver-backed Lion: a firm and well-deserved handshake to you. Thank you for your dedication to the League and your ferocity. I swear, if you weren't in this League I'd have significantly less to report on; I'd probably have to double my coverage of PromptApp issues and carbo-loading episodes just to maintain the same output if you were not here. You are a competitor and an entertainer; thank you for all that you contribute. Though I cannot give you your golden Title Belt (yet), I give thee a gold star, otherwise known as the participation award.

"Fuck!" said Safari.

SITCH - Oh, how I thought you could have made the comeback, Sitch. With so many games in hand and a relatively strong team (despite your views on your roster), you again showed that you were a force to be reckoned with, and all select-GM's looked at your stats week in and week out thinking, "Holy fuck, is he about to do it again?" Fortunately for them, you came up short, just as you do in the height department.

"Low blow, Commissioner!" screeched Sitch.

TREE BONE - After storming into the League and freaking out all select-GM's with your early dominance, things really trailed off this year. Why, why must you turn your blind eye to the League when you have so much potential? You had great statistics for three quarters of the season, only to be stumped at the end with games-played. Is the life of work, travel, adventure, house hunting and Mazda driving so much better than being crowned Champion?

"... Yes," said Tree Bone, guiltily.

DICK BURNS - Dick, year in and year out, you provide some of the most hilarious and influential stories to the League. You are the undisputed Drifter of the League; no one knows where the fuck you are and how the fuck you're doing, but somehow we know that you're alive and doing unorthodox things. Whether it be adventures of love, surviving wildlife encounters, defying law enforcement, contributing to medical research, discovering doppelgangers or finding new uses for boxes, you do what most cannot: you make life interesting. Cheers, my friend, and may you be Boning, Boning on a regular basis.

"Thank you, and I am," said Dick Burns.

Have a grand summer, everyone. I'll see you when I see you.

Cordially,

- Morpheus Randy