WK15 - Close the Deal

"You're on thin ice, Gil..."

If you're in Sales, there's no prize for 'almost' closing. You either sell some shit and feed the kids, or you get shafted. Plain and simple.

That's precisely why Sales is such an art. It's damn hard for some. You have to be confident, convincing, trustworthy, but at the same time aggressive and suggestive enough to make shit happen. Are people going to trust you if you're pushing product? Hell no. Are people going to buy from you if you're not confident? Hell no. The balance between both, is an art form.

Thankfully, inside the Randy Leagues, most of us don't give a shit. Closing just means winning. Just close the deal, right? We've had two successful select-GM's to do it thus far: Sitch and Burgs. They've both held the title belt before, been able to sit atop the pedestal; short-lived, yes, but they've done it. Who's going to be next?

"I'm not saying a peep," said Safari. "I don't want to jinx anything."

WK15 has wrapped up (I'm a day late in reporting, I know), and African "Hanging-on-by-nine-points" Safari is still leading the way.

Adds McGuire: I can't even stuff tissue paper between these select-GM's; the competition is so tight! Safari's gotta be a bit concerned with Sitch breathing down his neck, but a lead is a lead, and it doesn't matter how much you win by at the end of the day. Winning is winning!

Amen, Pierre (or Vin). Safari is leading overall, nine points ahead of Sitch, though Sitch was this week's top bread earner with 161.20 fantasy points. The gap is closing, but Safari isn't breaking.

Adds McGuire: Look at Burgundy, climbing out of the basement and maintaining a 4th place position for a week. Crosby (drool) is finally waking up and Malkin is doing his stick magic; me-thinks a Burg Surge is on the way!

Adds McGuire: Tree Bone; what a fine young woman. When I see her, I see shades of Erik Karlsson. She does things so effortlessly and she's so efficient. Just look at that damn PPGP of 3.47. The closest select-GM with a comparable PPGP is Sitch with 3.36, more than 0.10 off her pace. Tree Bone's just such a prime example of how the elites should play. Whether or not she can maintain that efficiency and overtake the lead remains to be seen, but I ain't counting her out!

And finally, the Rainbow. Gosh, I've never seen such a mix of greens and reds across the board. What does that tell Commissioner Randy? It tells me that none of you are fucking closers this season! Everyone is in for the win, which means four of you are going to be supremely devastated!

Select-GM's, get your shit together. Work hard, play hard and close the fucking deal! Make it happen, captains!

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

WK14 - Tuggies

When the name "Wring" popped into my head, I though of callused hands, unbearable tightness (no porno) and torture. I think it's fitting, really, that "Wring" accurately reflects what's going on in this year's standings. Don't you?

WK14 has been wrapped up and the stats are awe inspiring. Yes, Safari is still holding ground (after being dethroned intra-week by Sitch), but we're close to a tipping point I think. It's like a full pot on a stove; eventually, the water will boil and overflow. It's going to be one hot mess.

"I like the sounds of that..." said Burgundy.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

This week's top bread winner was Burgundy, bringing home 159.80 fantasy points, followed by Sitch with 145.25 fantasy points. Burgundy can thank his G-unit; Bishop, Lundqvist and Schneider were three of the top five performing tendies this week. These three goalies tallied up 60+ fantasy points combined, almost half of Burgundy's weekly total.

Adds McGuire: It's phenomenal. Just phenomenal. Simply phenomenal.

Thanks Pierre.

As I stated earlier, Safari was broken intra-week by Sitch, but after this weekend's festivities Safari was able to maintain his weekly lead, though he leads Sitch by about a dozen fantasy points.

Adds McGuire: The big news, however, is that damn bodacious Burgundy has resurrected from the basement and climbed into fourth! Thanks to additional monster performances out of Kopitar (another 20+ point performer this week), Burgundy has been able to leapfrog past Dick Burns; could this be Burgundy's move to the top?

It's anyone's guess. Even in fourth place, Burgundy is only about 150 fantasy points behind; we've seen comebacks from a lot further, so anything is possible.

League-wide PPGP was up 0.02 for the week, which is quite significant if you ask me. Burgundy, who sported a dangerously low 3.01 PPGP last week, boosted his overall PPGP to 3.10; he hasn't been producing this well since WK9.

"Producing, or, reproducing I should say, has never been his forté," chimed in Dick.

Tree Bone still leads overall PPGP with a 3.46, followed by Sitch with 3.39. Dick is holding steady at 3.34, while Safari stands ground with his 3.33.

And finally, we have the rainbow. With the great performances by his 3 goalie tandem, Burgundy's goalie PPGP went from 3.80 last week to a respectable 4.24. That was arguably the biggest change this week.

Adds McGuire: I love the parity we're seeing here. Look at Safari; phenomenal player stats, abysmal goalie stats. Dick Burns, the exact opposite: phenomenal goalie stats, abysmal player stats. I wonder if the winner will be someone who wins because they were a one-trick pony, or because they were well-rounded all together. Oh, my shiny bald head can't comprehend the possibilities!

"Please God, (let this) be my year," said Safari via text.

As Commissioner, I shouldn't cheer more for one select-GM than the other, so diplomatically I wish that this year will be everybody's year. But, seeing as Safari has finished second so many times, I do wish that God be on his side this season. However, I have been informed that Tree Bone and Sitch were in contact this weekend, scheming trade possibilities to better their own teams and dethrone Safari at the same time.

"That is absolute bullshit," said Sitch. "We were doing nothing more than having an innocent dinner party."

"I concur," said Tree Bone. "It was completely social, comprised of a potluck dinner and games. Nothing more."

Nothing more, eh? That phrase in itself is suspicious, no?

"There was no hockey talk, I promise you that," said Sitch. "I mean, Tree Bone can't even tell the difference between Charlie Brown and Willy Wonka; how on Earth would I ever have a coherent conversation with a person like that?"

"FUCK YOU!" said Tree Bone.

Can you tell the difference?

Holy fuck - settle down you two. I don't know what happened over your social evening, but I'll need an explanation on this another time. For now, it sure as hell looks like we're in quite the tug-of-war. Every night is important, and changes in the standings are all but a guarantee. Get ready to be tugged left, right and centre friends, because it looks like we're going to be in for one rough finish. Hope your tuggie game is on point.

Nothin' wrong with a tuggie from Shania.

"I've had one from Shania," said Dick. "It was decent."

Wise words, Dick.

Got Pull?

"One pull at a time..." - Sitch

"It keeps me up at night," said Safari.

That was his response when I asked him how he was doing lately. With the season going the way it has, Safari's been sitting pretty, but not at ease. Every other select-GM has been within striking distance; actually, within 'flicking' distance I should say. It's been bloody close.

"So close, any one of them could flick me in the eye," said Safari.

Ah yes, the infamous 'eye flick'. You sure have weird fetishes, Safari.

Anyways, after last night's performance, Sitch has temporarily taken over the lead in the Wring, though he's only a mere 6.65 fantasy points ahead of second place Safari. After a slow start, Sitch has been able to pull himself upright and make his way to the front of the pack. It's the first time in god knows how long that Safari hasn't sat top the rankings, though I will admit I don't check the standings on an hourly basis, so it's possible that other select-GM's may have temporarily supplanted Safari for a time without me knowing it.

"I ain't celebrating yet," said Sitch. "This ain't no BPC."

What happens when you celebrate too early.

For the monstrosity of a meat-head Sitch is, I have to respect his dedication to perseverance and patience in each Randy League. Though he has massive carbo-mood swings, he mostly keeps his expectations in check, knowing all too well that a lot can happen over the course of a season. He's not a swing trader, he's not an aggressive deck shuffler; he makes calculated moves and let's things ride.

"Makes sense," said Burgundy. "I mean, nobody's riding him, so he might as well ride something."

"... You are dead to me," responded Sitch.

Alright, calm down, both of you. Getting back to the standings, though, I have preached, and will continue to preach, that this is far from over. One of my brunette-babed assistants brought this stat to me this morning, fresh off her chest. If we were to go back and look at each select-GM's point accumulations from the second half of Randy's Tri-Hard! 2014-2015, we'd get this result:

1,750.20 - Burgundy

1,645.30 - Sitch

1,628.80 - Safari

1,469.35 - Tree Bone

1,314.70 - Dick Burns

1,561.67 - League average

Pretty close, right? It's not like the Burgundy of last year outpaced the competition by a landslide; it was by about 100 fantasy points over the course of the back half of the season. Or, about 7 more fantasy points per week. That's a razor thin margin if you ask me.

And I will say this: the distance between first and fifth during Randy's Tri-Hard! 2014-2015 was a larger spread than it is in Randy's Wring 2015-2016. So, as long as each select-GM maintains their current production, the chances of making it to the top remain apparent. As we head into playoff push mode, I would bet that the star players will start to turn it on, which leads to more points and potentially more injuries. Anything can happen, so gentlemen and lady, keep your heads in check and play this out to the bloody end.

Pulling the rabbit out of the hat might not be as difficult as you think.

WK13 - GM's Quarterly II

Shit is about to get serious.

Another quarter is in the books. We're now passed the halfway point in the Wring. If this were Lord of the Rings, a crazed battle would be happening at the Twin Towers; smelly orcs would be facing off against all middle-Earth inbred armies, gigantic tree trunks (no Dick Burns intended) and some wizards (I think?). 

"Who the fuck cares?" said Dick Burns. "Fuck Peter Jackson!"

Woah! Alright, calm down there, Dick.

Before we get into the Quarterly details, let's look at last week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari still leads overall, but the gap between him and Sitch is paper-thin (just over 30 fantasy points). Tree Bone has kept pace as well, and is sitting pretty in third with a few handfuls of games in hand.

Burgundy, who intra-week had climbed out of the basement, fell again after Super Saturday, and has now been in the basement for nine consecutive weeks. Now that we're beyond the halfway point, some may think that Burgundy should pack it in and start a rebuild for next season. But, then again, Commissioner Randy remembers that Burgundy was, at one point, more than 300 fantasy points from winning during last year's League, yet he was able to come out on top at the end. So, why give up now?

"Jeah!" screamed Burgundy, his mustache hairs springing in excitement.

League-wide PPGP was flat (down only -0.01); Tree Bone still leads overall, but Sitch is now ranked #2 in PPGP (3.37) followed closely by Dick Burns (3.36). Safari is hanging in there at 3.35, while Burgs brings up the rear at 3.01.

Safari, with the help of superstar scorers in Ovechkin, Seguin and Tarasenko, still dominates player PPGP; however, he'll either need them to continue to outpace the competition or need his goalies to stop underachieving to hold off the charge coming from the rest of the League. Sitch's stats are looking pretty good overall; he just needs help in the wins department. If he's able to achieve this, he could really give Safari a run for his money.

So what has happened this quarter? Let's dish out the awards.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - AZNSITCH

(Honourable mention - N/A)

- from the WannaFuck? Series (Perry Fire Media)

This was a no-brainer. He tallied the most points during the quarter with 954.25 and was the most efficient. According to Glenn Healy's speed reader, he clocked Sitch collecting points at a 3.55 PPGP rate during the second quarter, ahead of Tree Bone/Dick Burns (at 3.40 each). When you collect the most points and have the best PPGP over a quarter, chances are you're the star of the quarter, and Sitch was just that.

"Werk hard, flex hard," said Sitch.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - RON BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: the Canadian Dollar)

Me, again?

I forgot I had used good ol' Jared in GM's Quarterly I. Burgundy get's the Jared Award again; Burgs registered the lowest point total (853.95) and PPGP (2.97) over this quarter and he's sitting in fifth because of it. With Crosbone producing at less than one NHL point per game, Burgundy's scoring totals have been way off, and his other roster players haven't picked up the slack. His selection of Ben Bishop, a powerhouse over the last few seasons, has struggled with Tampa Bay. Call it ebbs and flows if you want, but this valley Burgundy has been experiencing appears to be taking it's sweet ass time. Perhaps a Burg Surge will come in the coming quarters.

"Fucking Jared," said Burgundy.

Honourable mention goes to the Canadian Dollar. Looks like these loonies are worth their weight in oil. Shit.

ZFG! OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

The Zero Fucks Given! Award goes to Dick Burns. I personally hate this award because it demonstrates lack of seriousness taken in the League. Nonetheless, I need to dish it out. Dick Burns, as history has shown, is giving zero fucks once again for the League, opting to produce mad productions and attend to 'dressing' topped poutine instead. Despite this, he's still well in the hunt for his first title belt, and has a respectable PPGP. Imagine where he may be if he played his roster consistently.

Honourable mention goes to Tree Bone, who is also in a similar boat. She is relieved of this award because I do see her on a monthly basis, and she always inquires as to how the League is doing.

"That counts right? That's participating if you ask me! Cheerio!" said Tree Bone.

Gentlemen, lady, your future is your destiny. Take the opportunities that you have now to achieve greatness later. Or else one day you'll be wondering where all the good times went. If there's ever one thing to work towards, it is being able to tell your loved ones, "Hey, did I ever tell you that time I won Randy's Title Belt?"

Until the next quarter,

Commissioner Randy

Next Question with Dick Burns

The third edition of NQ features last year's fourth place finisher, Dick Burns. I had wanted to post his NQ earlier, but - not surprisingly - Dick Burns was MIA and it was quite difficult to sit him down to chat. Nonetheless, I was able to flag him down during the holidays to go through a NQ, filled with cups of tea and non-dairy goodies.

(nods) Dick.

(nods) Commissioner.

You're looking ever the same. By that, I mean looking good.

Thank you, Commissioner. You know me; I'm Mr. Constant.

Mr. Constant-ly late, no?

(chuckles) Oh, you know me all too well. But I am getting better at that I believe. I'm not the "late-slip" regular that I used to be. Now, on occasion, I am the one who penalizes those who are late.

No kidding... I can't believe it.

I know, me neither. But it's true. You see, my schedule out on the East coast has become increasingly demanding; not only am I holding a Director position at my organization, but I'm also co-running a production company as well. While the ladies are always on time for their dates with this ---

Dick Burns, in all it's glory.

--- the same cannot be said for productions. I deal with a lot of artists when putting on productions, and it's no secret that time management is not a top priority for artists. Once in a while, I, Dick Burns, have to lay down the law, dick-whip performers in place and make sure shit gets done.

How authoritative, Dick Burns. Sounds like things are going very well.

They are indeed, Commissioner Randy. I put on several shows this past 2015; I believe I was a part of seven in total. They were very well received, and we were even able to pay performers (an industry rarity). I'm hoping that the New Year will bring additional performances, grants and contracts, and with the reputation I've built, I'm confident that I can make it happen.

I have no doubt that you will. While we're on the subject, do you hire your performers based on punctuality?

(ponders) It's a tough call, Commissioner Randy. In theatre, there's sort of a general rule when it comes to performers. There are three basic criteria that a performer needs. They have to be:

1. Good at what they do,
2. Likable, and
3. Punctual.

Interesting...

Yes. I call it the rule of three.

See the catch is that you'll almost NEVER get anyone with all three.

The trick is to get someone with at least two. Think about it: we all know someone with perhaps two of the traits. Everyone knows a guy at their work who may not be the sharpest knife, but he's nice and shows up on time. Though he lacks skills, he's an asset because people like him and he shows up for work.

The same can be said for a person who's equal parts genius and asshole. He could be the worst fucking person to work with. But, he's so fucking good at his job that his asshole ways get ignored.

I'm loving this rule of three, Dick.

I love it, too. It's such a great hypothetical Rubik's Cube.

So... million dollar question: how does the rule of three apply to the other select-GM's?

Oh that is a dirty, dirty question, Commissioner Randy.

Let's do it.

(sigh) OK.

BURGUNDY - He's a fucking genius and he's likable. If he'd just stop looking at himself in the mirror to see how good he looks, he'd be punctual. But alas, some men just can't tear their eyes away from themselves.

TREE BONE - Same as Burgundy. She's got the brains and the attitude. But she ain't got the time. (She's gonna hate me for saying that.)

SITCH - You could set your watch to Sitch. Whether it's counting seconds or calories, Sitch is one punctual son of a Sitch. He's also supremely good at what he does, which is isolating himself inside an iron paradise. That being said, he's not the most likable guy around. I mean, is any meat-head ever likable?

Sitch's isolation room.

SAFARI - Though he's not wound as tightly as Sitch, Safari is also punctual. And, he's a likable guy. I mean, look at him on stage: how could you not want to hang out with him? But, is he good at what he does? Hmmm... seems questionable to me since he's finished second every single year.

#FuckSilver

Wow, Dick. Those are some strong words. What if Safari wins this year?

Then he'd be complete, the triple threat. But, you'll almost never get all three, remember? And the season ain't done, yet.

Wise words, Dick.

WK 12 - Happy Fucking New Year

Cross out that five and write a six instead, bitches. The year 2016 has arrived. Who else fucked up writing '2015' when it should have been '2016'? Anyone? Anyone?

"How... do you... hold pen?" slurred Sitch, carbo-dehydrated.

Sir Fucking Randy certainly fucked up a few times already, having to cross out finely penned 5s and replacing them with 6s. I hate making typos, let alone penos... is that even a word? Sounds more like a Colombian nickname. Speaking of which, Narcos is the shit. Check it out if you haven't already.

"I told you it was good, didn't I?! Didn't I?!" boasted Burgundy.

Hush now, Basement Burgs. Let's not ruin my train of thought.

With the 2015 year coming to a close, some wondered whether there'd be a mid-season select-GM meeting. Though Safari unfortunately missed out on the festivities, Burgs, Sitch, Dick and Tree all managed to see each other for two meetings over the holiday break, one of which was hosted by none other than me, Commissioner Randy.

Adds LeBrun: I'm told that the other meeting was held at secret coffee shop location, days before you hosted the select-GM's, Commissioner Randy. There was a bit of everything at the coffee meet up, save Safari. Sources indicate that very little of their meeting comprised of hockey talk, however; the majority of the conversations were dedicated to catching up, the future ("FOLIGNO!" screamed Sitch, awkwardly) and business.

Business?

Adds LeBrun: Well, we all know of Sitch and his GoodLyfe franchises, and he's now branched out into apparel and menswear. But, there have been new business developments among other select-GM's too; Tree Bone, educator-extraordinaire, reported that she is now expanding her private education business and hopes to stack mad cash with it in the New Year. Whether her services are educational or arousal have yet to be determined, but she's determined to make it rain, William Gates style (as seen below).

Adds LeBrun (cont'd): Not to be outdone, Dick has been busy at it on the East Coast; holding down a Director position (professional, not sexual) and running a production company (again, professional, not sexual). He put on seven shows during 2015 (professional, not sexual - I think). With grants and contracts being assembled left, right and central, Dick is looking like Pablo Escobar himself.

Dick Burns IS Escobar.

Fascinating, LeBrun. What else?

Adds LeBrun: Well, I mentioned that they talked about the future. As the select-GM's were reflecting on 2015, they couldn't help themselves but look towards the future. With that in mind, the topic of Tree Bone's wedding surfaced. Scheduled for summer 2016, all appears according to plan, and we may see all five select-GM's under the same roof once again. It was a feat that occurred only twice during 2015; let us hope that 2016 will bring more encounters.

Excellent work, LeBrun. As for the meeting - a brunch - hosted by yours truly, I can say that it was a sublime meeting, filled with over-easy egg yolks and mountains of grapefruit. Many of the select-GM's also brought along their significant others, which is always a treat. Like the secret coffee meeting, the brunch consisted mostly of sweet talks and happy feelings; hockey was a non-topic.

But now that the holidays are over and your waistlines are returning to their normal circumferences, let's dive into the statistics. This holiday break was rather busy for yours truly, so I was not able to report last Monday's stats. Therefore, this week's stats report encompasses two weeks worth of stats. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari leads overall, but the biggest winner over the holiday break was Sitch, taking home 263.60 fantasy points, followed closely by Burgundy who brought in 227.30 fantasy points. Sitch is now within striking distance of Safari for the overall lead.

Sitch has climbed up to second place in the rankings, a spot he held just once previously this year. Safari has been killing it and has now held first place for an astonishing eight consecutive weeks.

Burgundy is still trying to hold on, but his PPGP is dipping, registering at 3.05PPGP, barely above 3.00. Over the two week span, all select-GM's saw their PPGP's decline, except for Sitch, who increased his PPGP by +0.08 to 3.37. Tree Bone still leads overall with a 3.45PPGP.

Finally, we can see in the rainbow that both Tree and Dick are blossoming in goalie stats. If they could just get a bit more scoring from their players, competition would be that much closer.

Adds LeBrun: I think I trade is imminent. Unless Tree Bone and Dick fall off the face of the Earth - which I would never bet against - my gut is telling me that either of them would want to knock Safari off the pedestal. Sitch has the capability to do it too, but I highly doubt anyone would want to trade with him, given that he's so close to first and has won before. It should be a great finish.

Excellent insight, LeBrun. Much appreciated.

Adds LeBrun: A pleasure as always, Commissioner. Happy New Year to all, Commissioner and select-GM. I wish you all well. Good luck to all, and I hope your 2016 will be as exciting as mine.

... What?! What do you mean by that?!