Final Question with Commissioner Randy

 

Well, NQ's wouldn't be complete without some insight from Mr. Fucking Randy - i.e. Morpheus Randy, Commissioner Randy, Sir Fucking Randy - so here we go. Yes, it does seem odd to include myself into these reports since I am the author, but the demand for hearing all-things-Randy has been ever growing, and I'd hate to disappoint the readers out there. So, I will oblige once again and allow readers to partake in my life; I gather their lives are petty and minimal compared to me, therefore they need Commissioner Randy to give them a little NQ flavour so they have something to talk about at their next cocktail party.

"I just call them tail parties," said Dick, "since that's all I ever get."

Always too clever, you are, Dick Burns. Always.

Speaking of clever, a spotlight NQ of Commissioner Randy would not be complete without having none other than the clever Pierre McGuire conducting the interview. Pierre, I'm handing over the typewriter to you.

"I'll be right there, Commissioner!"

Commissioner Randy, a pleasure as always.

I wish I could say the same, McGuire.

(chuckles, coke glasses almost fall off) What a great introduction, Commissioner.

Easy there, Pierre. I know you think you're Mr. Big Shot now with your NBC contract, but you're still a correspondent in my books, and this is my blog after all, so tame yourself and get serious. I demand excellence when reporting.

Of course, of course. I'm all about quality reporting, Commissioner Randy.

Good.

How many years have you been Commissioner now, Sir?

Oh my, I'll be dating myself now... I've been Commissioner since 2013 (Randy's Redemption), which was a shortened season. So it's been about three years, but four seasons total.

Time sure flies, doesn't it? I believe 2013 was the year of the Boston Marathon Bombing.

Yikes, Pierre, I think you're right. It was also the year Paul Walker passed, Lance Armstrong's doping scandal... was a wrecking ball of a year.

Speaking of wrecking ball, Miley Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball" was atop the billboard charts.

You would know that, Pierre. What did I just say? These reports demand excellence. I wasn't speaking tongue-in-cheek when I said that I demand excellence.

Miley has quite a tongue and cheek look, you know ---

Damn it Pierre!

Alright! Alright! Sorry... I don't know what's gotten into me.

Straighten up.

(clears throat) 2013 was a great year. How do you feel when you reflect back on the years? What's the one word that comes to mind?

You ask me this like I'm retiring, or getting phased out somehow, Pierre.

Sorry, I meant nothing by that.

It's fine; I'm just speaking my mind that's all. How do I feel? Huh. I've never really thought about it before. I mean, this whole Report started off as a joke; I had heard about the League, researched some of the select-GM's involved (this is pre-Tree Bone days) and thought, "Hey, these guys are pretty ridiculous; it might be fun to keep tabs on them." Then, I ran into them one night at a bar (which has since closed down, so I hear) and they seemed like decent fellas. 

What a shitty bar. RIP.

Obviously, Burgundy was the rowdiest of them all, having inebriated himself to the point where he tore his boxers while stumbling home. The entire night was a blur, but I remember penning down my thoughts and thinking, "Hey, this might be interesting."

And you posted something the next day, am I right?

I think it was either that day or the day after. That's where my sign-off, "wise words" also began. I remember Dick Burns walking home with Burgundy that night, and Dick was ever so calm, speaking all Morgan Freeman-esque. The phrase "wise words" just hit me, and I wanted to incorporate that into the Reports.

Where were you posting these Reports?

Oh, it was ghetto back then. I didn't have an official blog by any means. I somehow found a spot on Yahoo! and posted there. It was inside the Redemption League forum. No pictures, just text. Can you believe that?

YES! I CAN!

Pierre...

Sorry, so sorry. It's bad reflex. So what was the reaction after your first published post?

It was insane. The select-GM's loved it. They wanted more. But let me be clear: I was never in it just for the gossip and shit-disturbing. I was there for much more. On top of cussing and vulgarity, these select-GM's also appreciate numbers, and that's what I offer. When you play in other Leagues, you don't get commentary. You get stats, but then they are relatively straight forward. The Randy League, in its evolution, has become the staple for fantasy leagues; not only do you get commentary and vulgarity, but you also get week-over-week statistical reporting, trend analysis, PPGP, rainbow statistics... it's a living, breathing visual stats machine. This was not built overnight, and is by no means complete. It'll continue to evolve, and that's why these select-GM's keep coming back.

A glimpse of the stats machine. 

But you have to admit that the commentary and vulgarity is what drives readership.

Oh sure, of course. That's why the League is prestigious. It's not just some cookie-cutter shit that populates the posts. The commentary, which is often infused with the numbers, are real events that happened and are specific to each and every select-GM in this League. It's what makes it custom, relevant and entertaining. Imagine receiving a weekly tabloid newsletter about yourself; it would be pretty hysterical, would it not? Well, the Randy Reports echo that flavour a bit, except that these are not tabloid stories; they are real.

Real? 100% real?

Next question.

Well I appreciate your work, as I'm sure the other select-GM's do.

Of course. Last September, I received a very thoughtful gift from them. It was a physical collection of my works, bound together for my own reading pleasure. I was scheduled to be on vacation for about three weeks at the time, and the gift could not have come at a better time. I took it with me when I went down south and had a blast.

Surreal to see your works in print?

Absolutely. I had no idea I'd written so much. I don't get many gifts (simply because I refuse gratuity) but this one ranks near the top in my books (no pun intended). It was a great gift. Very sentimental.

Now that you've literally felt the impact of your work, what's in store for the future?

I think it would be great to have more contributors, Pierre. There may come a time when I won't be able to pen my thoughts down as often as I'd like, and it'd be nice to have additional guest writers here. A few years ago I went MIA for about a month - I was in the Orient and had limited access to internet - and an honourable Burgundy stepped up to the plate and provided some commentary. It worked very well, and was a great trial run of having guest reporters on here. I think I'd explore that again in future to liven the place up a bit.

And what about the League itself? Any changes coming?

I'm not sure about that. From my perspective, it's a very well run machine presently. I mean look at what happened this year: the spread between first through third was a mere 125 fantasy points. That's very close over the course of an entire season. I've been contemplating incorporating a salary cap into the system, but that's very preliminary and would need in-depth analysis. But, I have no problem with the status-quo.

Clever.

Well it sure sounds like you've got your plate full heading into the off-season. Thank you for your time, Commissioner.

Thank you, Pierre. Cheers.

WK26 - GM's Quarterly IV

Commissioner Randy is pleased to bring you the fourth and final installment of GM's Quarterly, which coincides with WK26, the final week of competition inside the Wring. Bittersweet, I know, but all good things must come to an end.

"Unless it's under the sheets with this guy," said Dick Burns, pointing to himself.

Perhaps, Dick. But even a passion-filled sex-capade with you must end sometime with the rising sun. I get all melancholy when writing and publishing the fourth installment of GM's Quarterly because I know the end is near. I reflect on my reporting, identifying my triumphs but, more importantly, seeing where I fell short. Yes, even though I demand greatness, I am well aware that there were weeks in which reporting fell to substandard levels. Commissioner Randy lives the high life and his pocket book is full of events beyond hockey, making reporting that much more difficult to maintain. But I digress; let's get to the Quarterly report.

First, for the final time this season (sniff), last week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

A big, Morpheus congratulations to the Ronald, who is officially this year's Champion (Title Belt ceremony TBA). As previously reported, this is the Ronald's second title, and second consecutive. He now shares the streak of title belts with Sitch (also with two consecutive).

"Thank you, Commissioner, and all select-GM's" said Burgundy. "It's an honour, and I am privileged to be in this League and call you all my colleagues and friends."

In the end, the race was extremely close. During WK26, Safari was actually the top bread winner, scoring 148.10 fantasy points, ahead of Sitch who had 126.30 fantasy points. Safari ended up less than 30 fantasy points shy of the title; a razor thin margin, if I may say so myself.

"... There are no words for my disappointment," said Safari, finishing off a box of Oreo cookies.

Sitch, on the other hand, ended about 125 fantasy points shy of winning. If you think about it, that's on average of 5 fantasy points per week. That's not very much, either.

"I left so many games on the table," said Sitch, who ended up 33 games under Burgundy. "I thought I would be able to make it up with goalie games at the end, but injuries and scheduling really put a wrench in my plans. I only have myself to blame."

Tree Bone, who had been such a PPGP threat for most of the season, floundered in the final quarter and finished fourth, one place higher than last year.

"Improvement! Nailed it!" cheered Tree Bone.

Dick Burns finished fifth, after storming out of the gates with what was arguably the strongest start to a season we've ever seen. During the first month of competition, he was averaging almost 4.00 PPGP consistently, thanks to Carey Price and Max Pacioretty. But as Montreal faded, so did Dick.

"I may be grounded in the League, but I'm taking off with my Boeing Boeing," said Dick Burns.

Well put, Dick. Now, let's get onto the GQIV Awards:

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - RON BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Could he BE any more gentlemanly?

For the second consecutive quarter, Ron Burgundy dominated the competition; he had the most points, the biggest positive change in PPGP, leaped the highest in rank and the highest PPGP over the period. What else can you do?

"I can take you all to Pleasure Town," said Burgundy.

Burgundy actually played one less game than Safari (who had lead at QIII), but booked about 100 more fantasy points than Safari over QIV, and that is what propelled Burgundy to the top.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: the Republicans)

A poster child for a wanted animal rapist.

Tree Bone's performance was significantly diluted over the quarter. Her PPGP fell -0.13 points and she averaged a League-low 2.95 PPGP over the quarter. This is especially disappointing, considering she lead PPGP for much of the season. Had Dick Burns played a few more games (as opposed to falling off the face of the Earth and hiding in a pile of cardboard boxes), Tree Bone may have dropped as far as last place in the Wring.

"I'm sorry; I was busy with my many errands," said Tree Bone. "New York needs my love, California needs my style... I'm always on the go!"

The Republican Party gets the honourable JC Award, because they are simply an embarrassment on a global scale. Late Night personalities in the USA cannot get enough of this catastrophe, and I'm sure media outlets abroad can't even fathom what has transpired. The phrase "You can't make this stuff up" should be the Republican's new slogan.

TIM TAYLOR OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourble mention - N/A)

Oh how times are a changin'. Sitch, who was well known for pumpin' and clubbin', is now domestin'. He's putting all his attention to the Mrs. and to the home.

"What can I say?" says Sitch, brushing off sawdust left on his TAPOUT sweater. "I've put away the tequila, and replaced it with suburbia."

Sitch now gets his kicks from finding parking space at Costo and engaging in DIY projects. Last year, it was refinishing his miniature deck; this year, it's been revamping his upstairs bedrooms.

 

Before and After (courtesy of Perry Fire Media, Breaking & Entering Series)

This wraps up GQIV. I have a few more articles in the works which will be published before the Wring is closed for the season (sob). If there are any topics you dear readers would like covered, feel free to message me, Commissioner Randy, and I'll evaluate whether it is worthy of my penmanship. Otherwise, enjoy these last few posts, for Commissioner Randy will be disappearing for the summer to recuperate after a long season.

"All the ladies need to recuperate after a long session with me," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with the Ronald

You didn't think I'd forgotten about the final NQ of the season, did you?

Even though some of you select-GM's (I am being kind when still prefacing with 'select') have forgotten about this prestigious League, Sir Fucking Randy has not, and will not forget to wrap up his shit (and I'm not just talking contraceptives here). So, to wrap up this year's NQ, I give you my sit down conversation with Burgundy, a.k.a. "the Ronald", as he is now often referred to.

"Why's that?" asked Safari.

Why, because anyone who is able to achieve something so unbelievable (i.e. coming from behind to take over the League lead) deserves to have his named prefaced with 'the'. Ever refer to yourself in the third person? Feels pretty sweet doesn't it? Well, this is what Burgundy - er, the Ronald - deserves.

"Like how Trump refers to himself as 'the Donald'?" smirked Sitch.

Precisely.

"I AM THE DONALD!"

Hello, again, Burgs. Or, should I say, "the Ronald".

(Chuckles) Oh Commissioner, no need for formalities here. Just call me "Mr. Burgundy".

That sounds pretty formal, Mr. Burgundy.

Well, it might be, but I'm sitting on top now, so that pretty much means I get to call the shots, right? This is a democracy, after all.

Excuse me?

What? What did I say? I was just going off of what PromptApp was telling me to say.

Do you know how a democracy works?

Sure I do! How else would you explain this?! (points to pin on his jacket lapel)

Are you a Trump supporter?

I - uh... wait what? Is that what this is?

Do you know how to read?

I... I thought I did. Hold on, let me refresh my PromptApp; this is getting ridiculous! Why aren't the developers of this app fixing all these issues?! It's hurting my publicity!

Let's drop the PromptApp for this NQ, shall we? I think we should be able to get by without it.

...?

Moving on. So, this NQ comes at a pretty festive time, don't you think? You're atop the rankings, the Wring is about to close, and it seems (knock on wood) that you will finish first for the second year in a row.

Yeah, it is a fine time indeed. I personally can't believe how things have turned around for my team. I really thought I had gone flaccid with my Crosbone this year, but holy hell I stood my ground and Sid has been just a beautiful thing. He's been such a good anal-fuck in the ass of a certain lion.

That's grotesque.

That's the truth.

Feel the penetration...

... True. Did you think you would repeat as Champion?

Hey, Sitch repeated as Champion. He even says that he "almost" three-peated as Champion. But you know who stopped that? Me. Mr. Fucking Ronald Burgundy!

But did you think you would repeat?

I didn't want to jinx it, but hell yes. With a bulging Crosbone in my pants, the odds are always in my favour.

Aside from the Crosbone, how do you explain your success?

Ebbs and flow, bitches. Ebbs and flows.

Nice.

Seriously! I mean, the beginning of the season was so terrible for me; I paid my dues early and I stuck with my plan. I added help where I need it and continued. Listen, if I were to have gone all high-frequency trader-esque and dropped star players who were having a bad stretch, I would have canned Crosbone and Co. long ago for some other players. Would that have been smart? Fuck no.

I do have to give you credit for that.

Well, it's just common sense. I hate to give Sitch credit, but some of his early success in previous Leagues was sticking with proven performers and ignoring the cold-streaks. He held on to a lot of players who were sucking ass, and then they came around. Or, he'd pick up guys who were absolutely fucking cold when nobody wanted them. It's ebbs and flows, bitches!

Nice of you to share the spotlight. Now, how's life beyond hockey?

Can't complain, Commissioner. I mean sure, I wish I had a bit more living space (some greenery would be nice) but overall I'm anchored like an anchorman (HA!). I look good and feel good. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Any plans for the off-season?

Well, there will be another wedding this year (Tree Bone). Should be a gay old time. I'm also trying to get Sitch to exit his suburban state and come visit me in the big TO. But the success of that initiative is grim at best.

Speaking of wedding...

Next question.

Alright then. Auf Wiedersehen.

Cheers.

WK25 - Spoiler

Oh my good golly. We're about to wrap up this Wring'd thing, and I can't ---

"Believe it?!" screamed McGuire.

Yes, thanks for taking my words, once again, McGuire. Never a dull moment with this cue ball around. We didn't get to hear much from McGuire this year, with his ever-increasingly busy schedule and NBC employment. Oh where were the days when he'd just be on the TSN panel, screaming at his counterparts just to prove a point that everyone already knew?

Anyways, WK25 is in the books, and Burgundy seems even closer to closing in on his second consecutive Championship. He's playing spoiler for sure; storming out to the front after remaining dormant for most of the season, about to rob the Title Belt from the Silver Lion.

"There are no words - seriously, none at all - that could describe my utter disappointment," said Safari. "I'm seriously depressed. This is comparable to how I felt when the Leaf's lost to Boston."

Oh dear; that's a tough depression, Safari. I remember watching that game myself. Being the Sens fan that I am, I admit I had a hell of a time watching that game. I laughed so hard that my tummy (full of salted-poutine) hurt for days. But, I feel for you. Both then, and now.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Burgundy was top bread winner again this week, chowing down 143.80 fantasy points, followed by Safari, who admirably put home 127.95 fantasy points. Burgundy upped his PPGP to a League-leading 3.36; Sitch remains in second with a 3.35.

"Ugh, it's useless now," said Sitch. "I'd have to outscore Burgundy 2-1 in the final week to even have a chance."

It's true; Sitch has a damn close PPGP, but with the games he's left on the table, it's unlikely he'll be able to make a run. His goalie situation, which has looked pretty stable all year long, is suffering from injuries, and it doesn't look like he'll be able to cash in those games. And, with Stamkos out, scoring appears to have dried up for the meat head. It seems over for the Sitch.

An undisciplined, over-carbo-loaded, whiny Sitch at the gym (yesterday).

Both Dick Burns and Tree Bone area also out, as they have way too many games left on the table. Both could not be reached for comment; they were out living their lives to the fullest.

So it seems that the fate of the Wring will be left up to two select-GM's: Burgundy, as long as he stays the course, and Safari, if he has an outstanding week while Burgundy has an off week. It's possible.

"No... it's not," said Safari.

Never give up, Safari. You haven't had a good week in almost a month, and Burgundy has had five stellar weeks in a row. Don't you think you're overdue? Chin up, my dear Lion. 

May the best man win.

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy