WK24 - Finish Strong

"Who's laughing now, Dewey?" - Harry S. Truman, 33rd President of the US.

WK24 has wrapped up, and there's only a couple of weeks left until the end of the Wring. This year, WK24 also encompassed Easter weekend, so Commissioner Randy was able to visit a few select-GM's and get some updates; on hockey and on life. It has been a busy year so being able to visit select-GM's has been a tough task; hopefully the off-season will provide more opportunities.

Let's look at the stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

Look at that: we have a new leader! Burgundy has officially supplanted Safari and taken over first place in the Wring. It's been a long ways since for Burgundy, who at the beginning seemed extremely out of it.

"Just like Harry Truman himself," said Burgundy, scotch in hand.

Indeed, Burgundy. With the rough start his team had, Burgundy was looking rigid, frail and unpopular, just as Truman did when he took over Office with FDR's passing and it seemed likely that he (and the Democrats) would lose control to Dewey and the Republicans. With his team looking lost and his Crosbone in absolute flaccid mode, the Ronald didn't have many options except to power through.

"Power through! That's what I always tell myself! Hazzz!" screamed Sitch.

Burgundy was once again this week's top bread winner, bringing home 192.90 fantasy points ("What a monster!" yelled McGuire). His PPGP now extends to 3.35 (previously 3.34) and his lead in the League is 43.80 fantasy points - not large by any means, but being a head is all you need.

Over the Long Weekend, I was able to touch base with Burgundy and Sitch, and also with Dick Burns via text. While the conversations were short, there were a few updates that I can provide you, dear reader:

BURGUNDY - It seems that for ever pound he sheds, he gains 100 fantasy points. The bodily transformation he's gone through is astounding. Already with one title belt and a second one within grasp, what more could Big Burgas ask for? A toned, chiseled facade? Check.

SITCH - If you were ever to need a domestic fix, go to Sitch's house. Though he calls himself the ultimate player and performer, Sitch is undoubtedly a simple (carb) man nowadays, turning aside nights of eardrum-shattering Enrique music in favour of DIY home projects and enlisting in the latest Home Depot courses. He's an old man, boring at heart, and intends to stay that way.

"This hardwood > your hardwood." - Mrs. Sitch.

DICK BURNS - Missing in action, but not missing OUT on action. Sure, hey may be invovled with a production involving flight attendants and a main character out to drill three separate holes, but the title "Boeing Boeing" doesn't quite fit Dick's lifestyle. "Boning Boning" might suffice, though.

Additionally, these select-GM's weren't afraid to speak hockey, either.

"I've kept saying that I haven't liked my team from the start," said Sitch. "To the point where I almost demolished the entire roster and put it up for sale at the Trade Deadline. But then, a few players had outstanding weeks and I was back in the thick of things again. Had I been more diligent, set a few goalie positions in advance, I think I could have been even closer now. Curses!"

"It's just so tight," said Burgundy. "I've never felt this anxious before."

"I've experienced tight," said Dick. "It's one of my specialties."

... Enough Dick. Enough.

"That's what she said" said Dick.

Wise, words, Dick.

WK23 - the Comeback Kid

Can Burgundy pull a Slick Willie?

"Clinton's the fucking man," said Burgundy.

WK23 is in the books, and Randy's stats machine has spit out some really eye-opening stuff. Let me give you the visuals first:

So, first off, Ronald Burgundy, who was left for dead earlier this year, has resurrected himself ---

"You mean, ERECTED?" asked Burgundy, rhetorically.

--- Sure. Erected himself from the dead and is now second as of last week's statistics (well, as I post this, he's technically first). Can you believe such a turnaround?

"Yes! I can!"

This is a pattern we've seen time and time again; slow start, erectile finish. Sitch was able to achieve this two years in a row in previous Leagues, and it looks like Burgundy may be in the road to achieving it as well. But, what I find incredibly amazing is that Burgundy has done what no other select-GM has ever done: he's stormed back after having a League-worst PPGP for much of the season, and now he leads PPGP. Is that ridiculous or what? As of yesterday, here are the PPGP numbers:

1. Burgundy, 3.34

2. Sitch, 3.33

3. Tree Bone, 3.33

4. Safari, 3.31

5. Dick Burns, 3.24

"Unbelievable," said Safari, choking on a tissue.

Ah yes, times are tough for Safari. It looked like he was running away with the Wring at one point, but the last quarter of the year has slowed him down. But, he's still got a reputable PPGP and plenty of offensive firepower left; don't give up yet, my dear lion. There are still games left to be played. Remember, just when you think a man is untouchable, he ends up touching someone.

"Um... about that..."

And let's not forget about Sitch, either. With a 3.33 PPGP, his team is still in the hunt for it, and he has plenty of goalie games in hand. If he can assemble some tenders to play out the remaining games, it's very possible that he could provide a (very, very late) surge as well. This is commendable, despite Sitch continuously stating that he's been unhappy with his team all year.

Gentlemen and lady, it really does look like it's going to come down to the wire. Brace yourselves.

Cordially,

the Fucking Randy

WK22 - Murder the Penguins

Last week was all about how Burgundy was surging, assisted by the erectile dominance of Crosbone, Malkin & Co. on the Pittsburgh Penguins. Oh, how fate sure does love to play spoiler.

"Fuck off!" screeched Burgundy.

WK22 is in the books, and yes, I am once again a day late in reporting on the statistical reports. Not a big deal, but if you're Burgundy, you would have preferred the report to have been published yesterday, when he was technically second in the standings (previously third).

"Damn it!" screeched Burgundy, again.

Sitch had a better night last night, and was able to climb is way back to second place, though Safari still continues to lead overall. Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

As I said, Safari still leads overall, but Burgundy was once again this week's top bread winner, bringing in 167.20 fantasy points, almost 30 points better than Safari, who brought home the second most. The Burg Surge is definitely on, and has been on for quite some time now. But, Malkin is now injured; reports indicate that he'll be sidelined for 6-8 weeks. A horrendous blow to the reigning Champion who wishes to repeat.

No change in ranks, though had this report been published yesterday, Burgundy would have surpassed Sitch for second overall, sniffing at the lion's ass.

"God damn it why didn't you post yesterday?!" cried Burgundy.

I'm a busy man, Burgundy. I have lots on the go. I almost put this off until tomorrow, so just be happy that you're still just a sip away from second overall.

Tree Bone still leads PPGP, but Sitch is now actually second overall with a 3.33PPGP. Safari is less than a lion's hair behind him for third overall, followed by Burgundy. What's amazing is that the League average PPGP is now 3.32, yet the spread is a mere 0.11, with Tree Bone at the high end (3.38) and Dick Burns at the low end (3.27). Close, close, close.

And finally the Rainbow, for you stat nerds out there.

While the Wring still has a bit further to go before it's officially wrung, sources have told me that Dick Burns and Tree Bone are both effectively out of the running, choosing to play their "zero-fucks-given" card and opting to live their lives fantasy-free. I'm told that Dick Burns is shoulder deep in productions, making theatrical strides and boning (or should we say Boeing) East Coast fuglies at every chance he gets.

"I can neither confirm or deny that," said Dick Burns.

Tree Bone, on the other hand, has had enough of looking after little shit-disturbers and schooling; she's vanished off to the West Coast (opposite of Dick Burns) in the hopes of catching some good food, weather and purses. Though she's still out on the hunt for some real estate, she's taking time off during this March Break to enjoy a no-strings-attached life; I can only imagine what that freedom feels like.

"Don't you have freedom? Aren't you Morpheus Randy?" asked Sitch.

Oh, I am, indeed, Sitch. But, I am weighed down by responsibilities, excellence and importance. I cannot just pick up and go as I please. I am, after all, a gentleman and a scholar.

"I'm also a scholar, an MPA scholar!" said Burgundy.

Yes, yes, we're all too familiar with that, Burgundy. Anyway, cheers to all you select-GM's, whether you're slaving away at your work, partying with California girls or tweaking the nippies of your hired cast.

"HEY!" said Dick Burns.

Oh come on, we all know what you're doing, Dick. No point in hiding or worrying; we all know your identity, and we won't be stealing it from you.

"Identify theft is not a joke," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

WK21 - March of the Penguins

Meme brought to you by PromptApp.

WK21 is in the books, and once again, Mr. Ronald Burgundy is leading the weekly charge.

"Absolutely incredible," said Burgundy. "I'm chowing down more points than the Rock chows cod."

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari still leads overall, with Sitch closing the gap (now less than 30 fantasy points). Burgundy was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 144.10 fantasy points, closely followed by Sitch who had 141.95. Productivity was down on a whole this week (average point accumulation was 112.93 per select-GM) so the monster gains made by Burgs and Sitch have really helped their chances going forward. Burgundy, in particular, is enjoying the surge by the Penguins, with the trio of Malkin, Crosby and Letang leading the way (all had more than 20+ fantasy points this week). The Penguins are showing the NHL that they've had enough of being called underperformers.

"About five weeks left to go in the Wring," said Sitch, post-workout. "Still a lot of time, but I need to start focusing. And of course, NO CHEATING! Hazzz!

There have been no changes in rankings, and Safari has now been ruling for 17 weeks consecutive. my memory is fuzzy, but I don't think anyone has ever ruled this long before. Can you believe it?

"Have to tip my mahogany hat to Safari," chimed in Burgs. "It's no easy task leading for that long. Whether it's by a wide margin or not, the fact is he's leading, and consistency is key in this League. Consistency wins."

"Don't jinx it," said Safari.

Tree Bone still leads PPGP (she's now back up at 3.40), but it's Burgundy and Sitch who were able to add to their PPGPs this week with the monster gains they had. With a 3.28 PPGP, Burgundy has increased his PPGP for nine consecutive weeks, going from a 3.01 to 3.28 during that span. Quite impressive.

Sitch clocks in at 3.36, good enough for second in the League, closely followed by Safari who has a respectable 3.34.

And finally, the Rainbow. One of my assistants looked into a few numbers and found a big catalyst for Sitch's performance.

"Carbo-loading, DUH!" said Sitch.

No, you meat-head. It's actually around your goalie statistics. While Sitch still remains second and has had slightly below average scoring, his goalies have done admirably, despite having average winning percentages. With the pickups in Rinne and sticking with Anaheim's Andersen and Gibson, the dividends have now been paying off; Sitch is second in goalie PPGP (only to Dick Burns, but he's only played about half of what everyone else has played) and has a League-leading 14 shutouts. Will his tending squad lead him to victory? To another title belt?

"So you're essentially saying that Sitch is good at (cock) blocking, but isn't so great at scoring, right?" said Dick Burns. "What else is new?"

Wise words, Dick.

WK20 - Even Stephen

WK20 is now int he books, and yes, I am again one day late in reporting the weekly statistics. Sorry gents; ladies these days just want to go all night long and into the morning. Evening rendexvous' with Commissioner Randy no longer end with "Want to get breakfast?" but rather "Want to get lunch?"

"I know that feeling," said Dick Burns. "As long as she doesn't want to get any dairy, I'm good."

Yes, yes, Dick Burns. We know that you don't like your dairy. All you want is your dressings and your cardboard boxes. If it were up to you, heaven would be nothing but a wasteland of cardboard boxes, filled with turkey dressings - just think of the soiled madness.

"I am drooling," said Dick Burns.

Anyways, as I look at the statistics for WK20, I can only think of one thing: EVEN STEPHEN!

Pierre McGuire, who's been busy with trades etc., managed to swing by for some commentary (the first time in quite a while), so he'll take you through the numbers.

Adds McGuire: It was a fine week, Commissioner, a fine week indeed! With the League average point accumulation for the week at 150.30 points, it was arguably one of the most productive week's inside the Wring. After about a month and a half of slow production, Safari was able to have a MONSTER, MONSTER week, bringing home 187.35 fantasy points, just a head of Sitch who brought in 173.80.

Adds McGuire: With the big week, Safari was able to maintain his number one rank. Sitch, who continues to debate his roster, continues to chase, stuck between a rock and a hard place as to whether he should gun it for top spot or reset for next year. If you ask me, Sitch is exactly where I would want to be: in between. Hell, that's why I love it between the benches, baby!

Adds McGuire: If there was any more proof of parity in the League, it's the PPGP. Look, Burgundy and Dick Burns are both at a League-low 3.25, followed by Sitch at 3.34, then by Safari at 3.35, and finally by Tree Bone at 3.39. Can you say razor thin?! The gap in PPGP in the Wring is thinner then my hairline!

Adds McGuire: And I love the Rainbow. Reminds me of the Crosbone; the possibilities are endless. It can be analyzed in soooo many different ways. There's never been such a more even (Stephen!) distribution. Just look at how the colours are splattered across each select-GM; there isn't one that is running away with everything. The distribution is just so... magical. SC87 magical. This picture-perfect Rainbow distribution reminds me of the picture-perfect puck distribution that Crosbone delivers. Oh, simply amazing.

Thanks Pierre; it looks like you need a few tissues after that one.

Gentlemen and lady, prepare for the final push. It ain't gonna get any easier.

Cordially

- Morpheus Randy