Next Question with Tree Bone

Folks, welcome back to Next Question ("NQ" for short), a staple reporting series inside the Randy Leagues. It's an old gem, and possibly one of my most favourite traditions. I think it may come a close second to my other favourite annual tradition: denying Sitch the opportunity to spam his fitness propaganda on this site.

"Come on, Commissioner!" cried Sitch. "Just a few more posts, please?!"

We'll see, Sitch. We'll see. If there are requests for another Bitch-It's-Sitch!™ post, I'll let you know.

"Hazzz!" screeched Sitch.

Anyways, this year's NQ will start off with Tree Bone. Ladies first, am I right gentlemen?

#class

Tree Bone.

Commissioner.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to participate in yet another NQ.

Not a problem, Commissioner Randy. Happy to do this, as always.

You've been a very busy lady, haven't you?

Oh, you know me. Always have something on the go. My passport has more stamps than a post office and my Rolodex has more numbers than Sitch's tax return. So yes, I'm very, very busy!

I hear that on top of your select-GM duties, you've also taken up several other occupations.

How well connected you are, Sir Fucking Randy. Yes, it's true. Since returning from ye olde British Empire, my services have been in high demand. Not only am I an public school educator, but I'm also a private tutor as well. I'm making top dollars, hand over fist baby!

I'm rich!

You sound like a financial powerhouse.

(chuckles) No, Commissioner! Not a powerhouse, yet. Just trying to get my next few years planned out. Pride Rock and I have traveled, made great memories and adventures, and now we're looking to get the next chapter of our lives in gear.

So mature and grown up. Speaking of 'gear', I see you've also been cruising in this bad ass mobile...

Too good for Uber.

LOL! Yeah, that's ours. If I'm going to cruise, I might as well look good while doing it, right?

Amen, sister. Looks like you could fit a couple kids in that Mazda, too.

Woah let's not think too far ahead now, Commissioner Randy! We have grown up, but we're still taking it day by day. Our main goals right now are saving for a home and planning our wedding, which is coming up in less than a year.

A home? Where and when do you plan on buying?

It's so hard to tell, given that we move around so much. But, I think we're narrowing it down now. Our plan is to be settled within the next two and a half to three years, so we have time to save and decide.

And what about the wedding? How has planning gone? Will the other select-GM's be invited?

Some will for sure. Others... depends on how they treat me in the coming months.

Keeping them on their toes; I like that. Now, you attended Sitch's wedding in the Fall. I heard you and the Pride Rock were wedding officiants. How did that go over?

You know, everyone chirps one another and throws zingers inside the Randy Leagues. But I will say this: I loved Sitch's wedding. It was a great ceremony (obviously, because I officiated it) and getting to see everyone in the same place just made me realize how lucky we all are. Some of the reception antics were not exactly my taste, but I'm not one to judge.

What reception antics?

Oh, like I personally would have had an open bar vs. an open protein shake bar. And I wasn't a huge fan of the seating arrangement; Sitch had workout benches for guests to sit on instead of standard dinner chairs. Replacing the "first dance" with "first bench press" was also odd, but to each their own I guess!

How was the cake?

Rich, strong chocolate. Or buff chocolate, I should say to adhere to Sitch's wedding theme.

Rich, strong, buff chocolate. Sounds like an Old Spice commercial.

Damn. Would you look at that brotha? I would so be that guy's loofah. He'd clean up REAL nice under my watch.

Easy there, Tree Bone. You're an engaged woman.

I know, I know. Just sayin...

Thank you for your time, Tree Bone.

Thank you, Commissioner! OK, I'm off to the showers!

WK3 - A Liberating Experience

Like Trudeau, Dick Burns is LOVING life right now.

Well, I'm no political junky like some other mustachioed men out there ("Jeahhhh," said Burgs), but I'd be the worst Canadian journalist ever if I failed to acknowledge the absolute domination of the Liberals in the most recent election. I know, I know; my area of coverage is in Sports. Fantasy Sports, specifically. But, I dabble in on other topics here and there; in life, in business, in wonderment and in the sack, so why should I be limited? While the political stances for each select-GM inside the Wring is somewhat unknown (and irrelevant, might I add), I'm pretty sure that Dick Burns is feeling quite JUSTified presently.

"He (Dick) was, at one point, a Liberal card holder," said Sitch. "He even assisted in campaigning I believe."

Thank you for that tidbit, Sitch. However, I was referring to how Dick feeling justified because of his performance in the Wring, though I'm sure he's pleased about the Liberals taking over once again.

"Indeed," said Dick calmly, slapping his hand on his lap.

In the spirit of the election and Prime Minister Trudeau's victory, this week's stats report will be "Justin" themed, bullet-driven statistical reporting. So, everyone ready to get liberated?

HAPPY-FUCKING-CHRISTMAS-BIRTHDAY EVERYONE!

This winter, Canadians should be expecting this holiday card from JT.

Dick is on cloud Liberal, as things could not go any more right for his team. Dick continues to lead the ranks (three weeks consecutive now) and dominates in every aspect of his game. He's the only select-GM currently averaging over 4.00PPGP (he's averaging 4.31 for those keeping tabs) and has two key Montreal Canadiens working for him (Pacioretty and Price). It's a Christmas-fucking-miracle; Christmas might as well be your birthday too, eh Dick?

"Interesting fact: JT's birthday is Christmas Day," chimed in Dick.

"BETTER IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE!"

That statement could not be more true for Dick Burns. After years of under-performing in the Randy Leagues, this season has been liberating for Dick thus far. Leader in points, leader in PPGP, and just an overall green machine (via the rainbow statistics). Here's a look at this weeks visuals, courtesy of the stats machine.

Dick leads overall in points, but an interesting fact is that Tree Bone was actually this week's top bread earner, bringing in 160.01 fantasy points. Sitch was a distant second, who brought home 126.63 fantasy points.

After slumming it hard for the first few weeks, Sitch has finally risen above the 3.00PPGP mark, though he still comes in at a League-low of 3.33PPGP. The League average PPGP currently stands at 3.75, quite high compared to historical averages.

As mentioned earlier, Dick has been leading the League for three consecutive weeks now, with no signs of breaking down at all.

"He (Dick)... he's just not ready," said Burgundy, in a Harper-esque tone. "I'm not convinced."

Woah Burgs, you sure you want to be using he's just not ready in that manner? Are you sure you want to draw comparisons to Harper? That seems bad.

"Oh come now, Commissioner!" screeched Burgundy. "I'm no Harper! God damn it. I'm just a reporter, like you, trying to give the facts of the case! I'm not try to be bad... Speaking of bad, did I ever mention that I love movies and TV shows? One of my all time favourites is Breaking Bad. It's even available on some online streaming services if you've never seen it."

Oh. Dear. God. (For those who don't understand this reference, just watch this John Oliver segment.)

And wow... look at that rainbow. Green - DARK GREEN - all around for Dick Burns. 'Nuf said.

"I'm not satisfied until I win," said Dick Burns. "I can always be better. Better is always possible!"

A FUCKABLE LEADER

#PMILF

Say what? PMILF? WTF does that even mean, Commissioner Randy? Well apparently in the Twittersphere, the hashtag #PMILF (Prime Minister I'd Like to Fuck) caught fire after Trudeau's win. Entangled in these tweets were an insane amount of tweets from American women who, based purely on aesthetics, love the look of Canada's new PM and would love to warm up his Ottawa-chilled man meat. Seriously. I'm not making this shit up. Just look at some of these tweets. (My personal favourite: "How will the Canadians ever tackle climate change when their new prime minsiter is so hot? Yow!")

This is to no surprise, but Dick Burns draws parallels with our newly elected PM. Dick, also the current leader of the Wring, is 100% fuckable, and he's been showing east coast honies his dynamic, hot-bed ways for a few years now.

"I don't want to fuck him," said Tree Bone, coldly. "I want to fuck him over."

The heat is on. Play wisely now, gentlemen and lady. Cordially,

- Morpheus Randy

San Diego Shuffle

Someone's got a jump in his step this morning.

"The Crosbone has awoken! Lalalala, life is amazing!" skipped a happy Burgundy while doing the San Diego Shuffle.

Yes, Sid the Kid finally hit the score sheet last night, tallying a goal and two assists, giving him three points for the year. Sure, it's only three points, but given that Crosbone had gone pointless throughout the first handful of contests, I'm sure Burgundy was starting to worry.

"Oh, but he looked good last night," said Burgundy, with a celebratory scotch in hand. "So good that he made my entire team look better. So good that he made me look better. And we all know how good I look."

Though the season is still young, Crosby's awakening comes at a good time; with League-leader Dick Burns still out front, all other select-GM's need all the help they can get. With the Montreal Canadiens getting off to a hot 7-0 start, Dick's looking like a genius in picking Carey Price and Max Pacioretty.

"All smoke and mirrors," said Safari. "Once my team really wakes up - REALLY - it'll be no contest. Ovechkin, Seguin, Tarasenko. I don't see anyone outscoring me this season."

It is indeed an impressive lineup, Safari, and I wouldn't be one to bet against you.

"I'll take that bet," said a pompous Burgundy. "Those who bet against my Crosbone shall be T-boned."

"Did you call me?" said Tree Bone.

"No, I didn't call you," replied Burgundy. "I didn't even know you were still around! Hey, how's the air down at the fifth level? Musty I gather, eh? Stinky. Like Big Foot's dick, no? Yeah, too bad. Ah well, one day you might be able to ride Great Odin's Raven up to the higher ranks and smell the glorious fresh air atop these pillars. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha?"

"I'm going to punch you in the Crosbone," said Tree Bone, seething.

Wise words, Lady.

WK2 - Dick Swinging Continues

Dick, showing off.

WK2 is now in the books, and Dick Burns is the first select-GM this year to hold first place for more than one week. This doesn't exactly call for celebrations or bragging rights, but Dick did put on a little show for the crowd by balancing on a beach ball.

"Well, the ladies always put on a good show on my balls," said Dick Burns, "so I figure I owe them a show of my own."

Speaking of putting on a good show, I know many of you have been wondering where and when a certain showman will be stopping by to Randy's statistical reporting headquarters. Well, look no further, as the prophet himself has returned. Welcome back, Pierre McGuire.

"HEYYYYYYY FRIENDS!"

Burgundy did not utter a word, but instead did a gentlemanly fist pump in approval.

#win

Alright, let's get to it. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds Pierre: Another strong, strong week from Dick Burns. He added 149.00 fantasy points this week, second only to Safari, who had 153.25 points. Both select-GM's had a little stick magic with the help from Pacioretty (Dick Burns) and Tarasenko (Safari). Not surprisingly, Dick and Safari sit one-two in the standings after last night's games.

Adds McGuire: Look at the change in ranks! That line graph shows it all, doesn't it? Or should I say, look at that line change!

"That was a horrible, horrible pun," said Dick Burns.

Adds McGuire: Despite the monstrous performances by Dick and Safari, overall productivity was down this week inside the Wring. Last week the League averaged 3.34 PPGP, whereas this week it's 3.28. The perpetrators? Tree Bone and Sitch; the two of them are just awful; bad bounces, bad luck and bad bench management. C'mon you two, get it together! Sitch, in particular, is sporting a LEAGUE LOW 2.77 PPGP. That's atrocious considering he's been a PPGP specialist over the years; he was the highest PPGP select-GM for three consecutive years leading into the Wring!

Adds McGuire: Should we be surprised here? Dick Burns leads the way, and he's GREEN all over the rainbow. He's got no chink in his armor, just as I have no hair on my scalp!

Thanks Pierre. Given your great hockey sense, what do you think we should expect in the upcoming week?

Adds McGuire: Well I'm no stats guy like some MPAs or CPAs out there, but here are my thoughts.

• Anaheim is NOT a bad team. They are just in a bad rut. Therefore, Sitch's scoring and goalie stats will rebound as he owns Perry and Andersen.
• Seguin and Tarasenko are the real deal. Safari's goals per game will increase and possibly lead the League.
• SC87 just needs a little Pierre lovin' to get goin'. I LOVE YOU SID! YOU'LL BE FINE!

Thanks Pierre; always appreciate your insight. That's all for this week, gentlemen and lady. In the meantime, let's go Blue Jays.

BREAKING: Mexican Authorities Charge Sitch

"We got him, Senor."

Two time Randy League Champion AznSitch (or "Sitch" for short) has been formally charged by Mexican authorities earlier this morning. Sitch, who had been vacationing in Mexico during the off-season, faces several charges and fines.

"Mr. Situation was on Mexican soil for a period of six days in September," said Policia Federal Chief Lopez. "During his time in Mexico, Mr. Situation stayed in an all-inclusive resort and caused significant property damage, as well as psychological damage to several senors and senoritas staying at the resort."

Authorities indicated that formal charges were delayed due to the need to interview all victims and assess the psychological damages caused by Sitch.

"He was just... so flexed," said one of the psychologically damaged victims, who chose to remain nameless. "We (the resort guests) just wanted to relax by the beach, have some drinks and enjoy our vacation, but this man.. this... SITUATION... he just kept crunching, screaming and asking us if we'd like to be in his fitness program."

"The comfort of our guests is our biggest priority," said Pablo Cruz, a representative of the resort. "While we do have several promotional events that are held throughout the year at our resort, commercial or otherwise, we ensure that events are run well and cater to our guests interests. Mr. Situation did not consult us on having a promotional event for his fitness program; he made no effort to ask permission or pay our standard promotional rental fees. He trespassed onto resort areas that are restricted and attempted to set up a promotional fitness campaign."

Victims said they were harassed, bombarded and pressured by Sitch's sales tactics. This included repeated flashing of Sitch's abdomen, handing out business cards with the word "Jelly" on them and forcing guests to fist pump to Enrique Iglesias music. It was even reported that Sitch broke into the resorts spa area and stole massage oils so he would be fully greased for his so called 'promotional' event.

Sitch's hero, baby... (kiss away the pain...)

Aside from breaking into the spa, Sitch also caused damage to several parts of the resort property, including shattering various windows due to the blasting of Enrique songs.

Sitch could not be reached for comment, though a spokesperson for Sitch's team informed the media that Sitch will not fight the charges.

Select-GM Bio Pages Updated

Beats, yo.

Ever Google your own name (because you're such a stuck-up, egotistical prick)?

Well, congratulations, butt face. Sir Fucking Randy has made individual bio pages once again for your egotistical pleasures. You can find them in the navigation bar above.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

WK1 - Dick Punch Advisory

We're all familiar with this image, yes?

WK1 is officially in the books, which means Randy's Wring has officially kicked off and competition is in full (dick) swing, with extra meat. As someone who loves all things statistical, I must say that data I've collected from all the Randy Leagues is starting to show trends, seasonal patterns and orgasmic correlations. What are some of these trends, you ask?

How about this: Season starts, Dick Burns ejaculates over competition.

"My god why must you be so vulgar?!" cried Tree Bone.

Some men are born smart, others are born vulgar, Tree Bone. You're looking at a man who was born with both.

Like previous seasons, Dick Burns is off to a strong start. He leads the League after the first week of competition and boasts a strong 4.19 PPGP. Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Errrrrection!" said Dick Burns.

Though Dick's goalies (Price, Quick) haven't quite cashed in for him yet (Dick sports a 2.25 PPGP per goalie game), he's hamming it in the player department, thanks in part to the stellar play of Max Pacioretty (16.35 points this week), as well as Joe Pavelski and Blake Wheeler (both had 15.25 points this week). 

"I gotta hand it to Dick in selecting Blake Wheeler," said Burgundy. "Wheeler's been a top producer over the past three years, but no one seems to pick him up, EVER. Except Dick. Me rrrikeey that trend."

"Me rikey!"

Me rrrikeey that trend analysis too, Burgundy. Speaking of trend analysis, I noted another predictable pattern, and that is Sitch stumbling out of the gates. Though he isn't last in the League, he's damn near close, and his PPGP is an abysmal 2.80, a League-low.

In response, Sitch said, "This ain't no ---"

---  BPC, BPC... Yes, we get it Sitch.

"I know you do," said Sitch. "I'm just trying to remind everyone. Repeating and conditioning is the only way to get the message across. That's what I'm highlighting in my second fitness instalment, Bitch-It's-Still-Sitch, where the program consists of ---"

ENOUGH.

"SLUT!" yelled Tree Bone.

I've had it up to here with Sitch's spamming efforts.

Aside from the points earned over WK1 of Randy's Wring, several other activities occurred in the past seven days (League or otherwise). League transactions have already started heating up, with Safari leading the way in player adds and drops. Burgs has also made minor tweaks to his roster, but that doesn't surprise me given his love for tweaking.

WK1 also marked the coming and going of Thanksgiving. My junior staff, who worked all through the weekend in an effort to impress me, noted that Sitch and Burgs were spotted together, cruising conspicuously in a Camry in an effort to camouflage themselves while in public. It was reported that they stopped for a carbo-load, likely an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.

"I can neither confirm or deny that," said Sitch.

While it wasn't known exactly what was discussed, rumour has it a portion of their conversation did involve the Wring. Word has it Sitch has been shopping around a few players, looking for a trading partner. Apparently, he's not happy with his roster and wants to make some changes.

"How about Tyler Bozak?" asked Safari.

"If you're going to do that, you might as well just pick up Sean Avery," said Dick Burns. "Or... Aaron Ward... Too soon?"

Wise words, Dick.

Combine Results

We love Mac! We love Mac!

Once again, Mr. Fucking Randy is pleased to bring you the annual Combine Results ---

"--- Which mean nothing!" said Dick Burns.

OK there Dick, thank you for the input. Sure, projections based on the Combine are hypothetical, but may I show you something? Remember last year's Combine? Here was the prediction:

And here were the actual final rankings:

The evidence speaks for itself.

Now, let's get to this year's Combine, shall we?

"FUCK JEAH!" screeched Burgundy.

Here are the results, as measured by yours truly, with additional statistical support from Randy's (now world famous) stats machine. Note that players were slotted into positions based on best estimates, therefore potentially skewing the results, i.e. a player could play both C, RW but be slotted into just C. In addition, this year's analysis also incorporated hypothetical injury scenarios; it rewards players who have longevity, penalizes players with concussions ("FUCK!" said Burgundy) and, most importantly, rewards select-GM's who drafted additional roster players in anticipation of injuries to their starting line.

"Beautiful," said Safari.

[Position, followed by rank, followed by analysis.]

CENTRE

"Look at that FOCUS!" said Burgs.

1. Burgs

2. Safari, Dick Burns

4. Sitch, Tree Bone

FYI I hate ranking the centre position; there's always a boatload of great players and the difference between one through five is marginal. Nonetheless, with Crosby and Malkin at his disposal, Burgs gets a 'W' here.

"As I should," said Burgundy.

In at a close second is Safari and Dick. I personally believe that Seguin (owned by Safari) will top 100 NHL points this year and possibly lead the League, and Phat Phil Kessel will reap benefits from playing with an actual NHL team. Dick Burns, on the other hand, has solid centres in Backstrom (who will grab points off OV), Getzlaf and Pavelski.

Sitch and Tree Bone end up tied for fourth, though I put a HUGE asterisks here for Sitch. The Asian menace has some ridiculous talent (Stamkos, Toews, T. Johnson and Eichel), but I worry that Tampa will suffer a Stanley Cup Final hangover, reducing the productivity of Stamkos and T. Johnson. Additionally, Toews is arguably the best centre in the League, but his defensive skills don't have a great reflection on fantasy points. Eichel, though promising, is unproven.

LEFT WING

"Johnny Hockey knows where it's at!" says Sitch.

1. Sitch

2. Safari

3. Dick Burns

4. Burgs, Tree Bone

Sitch is loaded at left wing. I believe Benn can go toe-to-toe with Ovechkin (owned by Safari), and Sitch has an admirable support cast in Sharp, Kunitz and Gaudreau. This support cast is what propelled Sitch into #1 status. Everyone's freaking out that Kunitz won't score the way he used to with Kessel coming into Pittsburgh, but you know what? I have a feeling that he'll continue to be great, because the Crosbone makes everyone around him better. And, Kunitz has done so well over the years being Crosby's trigger man; why change it now?

"I love this analysis," said Sitch, with a mouthful of rice.

Thank you, Sitch. In addition, I believe Gaudreau will have another outstanding season.

RIGHT WING

Imagine that beard all over you,.

1. Tree Bone

2. Safari

3. Sitch

4. Dick Burns

5. Burgs

Tree Bone wins here, even though her leading man is under criminal investigation. Patrick Kane is insane, and Voracek will have another strong campaign this season. I also think MacKinnon was a steal at this draft; last year was such an honourable fuck-up for the Avalanche, so they are destined for a rebound year.

Burgs gets fucked in this category, though it should be noted that I slotted Malkin at centre, who could have easily been a right winger.

DEFENSE

I'ma destroy U.

1. Burgs

2. Sitch, Tree Bone

4. Dick Burns

5. Safari

Burgundy took arguably one of my favourite defensemen at this year's draft (Weber). To me, he's the ultimate defensemen; so good at defending, powerful, intimidating and big booming shot. He's balanced his roster with Kris Letang who should pile on points and I believe Ekblad will turn in a solid season now that he's more experienced.

Sitch and Tree Bone come in a very, very close second. Sitch was close to getting #1 status (see Karlsson, Keith), but was penalized as he only drafted four D, whereas everyone else selected five. Asian man is short on D - what else is new?

"LOW BLOW!" cried Sitch.

Tree Bone did pick up five defensemen, but her roster includes rock-star D-man Doughty, and his play unfortunately doesn't translate into elite fantasy points.

GOAL

Making ladies OGAZZZM in the upper bowl.

1. Burgs, Safari

3. Dick

4. Sitch

5. Tree Bone

"Oh yeah, look at those handsome eyes... Sigh..." said Burgundy.

Yes, the reign of King Henry being owned by Sitch is over. Lundqvist was snatched up by Burgundy with the 6th overall selection. Not to be out-done, Safari went out and selected Rinne. I handed both Burgundy and Safari #1 status; I technically think Safari has the better goalie roster, but I'm nervous about Tuukka Rask and the fate of Boston this year, though I could be proven very wrong.

Had Dick selected a third goalie, his ranking would have changed significantly. With Price and Quick as his goalies, there's no reason to panic, unless one (or both) get injured.

FINAL RANK

Burgs vs. Safari

1. Safari, Burgs

3. Sitch

4. Dick Burns, Tree Bone

According to my projections, it appears that we're going to have a tight race between silver-fox Safari and reigning champion Burgs. Safari has the most well-rounded roster, whereas Burgundy is extremely rich at centre and goal. Sitch may have an outside shot to be a contender (never count him out), while Dick and Tree round out the remaining ranks.

Courtesy of the stats machine.

Celebrate your fortunes, Safari and Burgs, because we know how accurate these projections end up being.

"Are you being sarcastic?" said Dick.

Only time will tell. Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

Draft Day - Wringing in the new Season

Glitches, bitches hold up Draft, but teams adapt.

The best GM of all time.

Well, it wasn't the prettiest Draft we've ever seen.

With the amount of hype going into this year's 2015-2016 Draft, select-GMs and spectators alike were anticipating a fantastic, ball-swelling, nipple-hardening event. And it was, but that didn't mean that the event went off without a hitch.

"Did you mean 'Sitch'?" asked Sitch, smacking his abs in content.

No Sitch, I meant 'hitch'.

Mr. Fucking Randy, Commissioner extraordinaire (Esq.) was jammed (think chunks of Quebec cheese curds stuffed in the straw of a McHappy drink) with work leading up the Draft, and unfortunately the administering of Keepers failed to connect with Yahoo! (the service provider for the Randy Leagues). Therefore, when select-GM's showed up to the Draft, their respective Keepers had not been automatically selected.

A view of the Keeper Settings, moments before the Draft.

"Bah, shit happens," said an understanding Safari. "We got through it."

Nonetheless, I take full responsibility for the glitch; going forward, ensuring the administering of Keepers will be a top priority.

Anyways, the Keeper issue was eventually resolved; each select-GM had already publicly announced their respective Keepers earlier during the week, so they agreed to refrain from selecting any of the said players until the last round of the Draft. This rule was easier said than done for some select-GM's.

"FUCK! Come on! Is that a dig at me?!" cried Burgundy, who mistakenly selected Giroux during the Draft, who was Tree Bone's Keeper. "I made a mistake! I made a mistake! I made....?"

Jeah! Giroux! Wait... what?

"Oh yeah, major FAIL there, Burgs!" retorted Tree Bone. "I knew what you were up to."

Commissioner Randy was quick to halt the Draft and reverse the selection, but that didn't stop the jeering that ensued inside the Wring. It was tense, it was nerve-wrecking and holy hell was it bodacious.

But perhaps the most stressful moment of the Draft was at the very beginning; with four out of the five select-GM's ready to Draft, Dick Burns was nowhere to be found. Though it's become a custom for Dick to show up at the last moment, he's never actually been LATE to a Draft. Until now.

"I don't know what happened," said Dick. "I ended up at the wrong Draft somehow... I'm sorry for being late, OK? It was dem east coast bitches; they just missed the Dick Burns."

Oops.

Sounds like you were a bit confused with where to log in, Dick. I sincerely hope your noggin is alright. I mean that in the sincerest fashion, given the concussion issues you've had in the past.

So other than these glitches, how was the actual Draft?

Well things started (without Dick Burns) with Tree Bone, who went out and grabbed Tavares, an old favourite of Sitch. With NYI on the upswing, we can be sure that Mr. Tavares will be leading the pack, and Tree Bone will surely profit from the scoring touch he brings to her team.

Hey Burgs, how do you like this gun show?

Once he showed up, Dick Burns (who had the second overall selection) picked up Carey Price, arguably the most sought after tender in the League. With his consistency and superstar status, Dick is sure to have a solid season in net, assuming he doesn't fly off the radar (which has happened repeatedly in the past).

Price is right, bitches.

With the third overall selection, Safari snatched up another one of Sitch's favourites, Tyler Seguin.

"Sitch picked him really early last year," said Safari. "I was shocked; I didn't think anyone would have picked him (Seguin) so early, but I had to give props to Sitch for making that bold pick. I guess he'll be giving me the props this year, eh? MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

With the fourth overall selection, last year's runner up, Sitch, retaliated by selecting Jamie Benn, the NHL's leading scorer from last season.

"Never had him on my team before," said Sitch. "It's a weird feeling having new faces in the house; I've usually selected Handsome Hank with my first pick, so this was different."

"This is exactly how his body looks," said Sitch.

And finally, defending Champion Burgs ("FUCK JEAH!" said Burgs) went out and hooked Evgeni Malkin with the fifth selection.

"Oh my fucking gawd, what could be better than having a stiff Crosbone? Well, how about a little milk to dip it in? Or should I say, Malk!"

"I fucking love Vitamin R!" said Burgs.

I've never stirred my bone in a cup'o'malk, Burgundy, but let me know how that goes.

Like I said, there were glitches, but at the end of the day, players were selected and teams were formed. Whether each and every select-GM is happy with their roster is left to be seen; in my eyes, it really seemed like this year's Draft was unlike other Drafts. There were a lot of amazing player performances from last year which factored into this year's Draft results. In addition, there's the 'next Crosby' in McDavid and the 'respectable consultation prize' in Eichel. Both were selected, but will both prevail? Only time will tell.

"I have one word for you gentlemen and lady," said Dick Burns, "and that's 'Columbus'."

Wise words, Dick.

Greetings, Friends.

Eternal happiness is just a dollar away...

My dear select-GMs,

Welcome to Randy's Wring 2015-2016, the fourth season of the Randy Leagues. It is an honour and privilege to once again bring you the finest there is to offer in fantasy hockey. And, may I remind every select-GM that it is also an honour and privilege that you be invited and included in such a League; don't ever take this for granted.

Now, first things first: why 'Wring'? Well, Mr. Fucking Randy (i.e. Morpheus Randy, Commissioner Randy) pondered what name would satisfy the fourth installment of the Randy Leagues; a bunch of titles were drawn up, including Toy Story 4 (but that was already copyrighted by Disney, those fuckers). I decided on calling it Wring for the following reasons:

1. It includes a 'W'. This place is for winners, bitches.
2. It includes the word 'ring'. Cheesy or not cheesy, this League, full of select-GM, is a circle of friends. While winning is important, I honestly believe that the circle, or ring I should say, is a strong bond. It's a fucking miracle, really. This place is for friends, bitches.
3. 'Wring' also means to squeeze and twist something in an effort to get liquid from it. Enough said, bitches.

She gets it.

"OMG!" shouted an aroused Burgundy, drooling over the GIF above. "I... I'll be right back."

Make sure to grab a couple paper towels, Burgundy. Clean up after yo'self.

This year has started off with a few glitches and hiccups, which has pissed Commissioner Randy off to no end. I expect - no, I DEMAND - perfection and it has not gone the way I had planned. The blog site has experienced some technical difficulties and my secretaries haven't been able to create a suitable platform for me to compose the scandalous reports I write. The blog is still under construction as you can see, and I'm hoping to have this resolved soon. Nonetheless, reporting had to commence and for the time being this is what I have to work with. Please be patient as this webpage is updated.

The Draft also faced some serious glitches. But more on that another time...

With that being said, enjoy the year, my dear select-GMs. Revel in the pre-season hype; you're all tied for first (yay!). Soon your souls and dreams will be crushed ---

"You mean CRUNCHED?!" asked Sitch.

Perhaps, but I'm going with crushed for now. Only the strong and intelligent (sorry Sitch) will survive. As I said before, this place is for the 'W' - the fucking winners. Be smart, select-GMs, for this season will end before you know it.

Cordially,

Morpheus Randy

Remember: this place is for winners.