WK11 - Happy Holidays

Santa, baby...

Happy holidays friends, from yours truly. I have always loved the holidays, not so much for the gifts exchange extravaganza or the diabetic treats, but for the company of others (how Charlie Brown). Think about it, friends: on your fucking deathbed, will you be holding onto Air Jordan's you got that one Christmas, or will you be breathing in one last time and thinking of the good old days, snuggling with your loved ones without a care in the world? Take time for your family and friends, because time is the ultimate gift.

Let us be clear about one thing: we are fortunate. "Vacation" and "holiday" is very much a North American thing; I've seen faces and places who know of no such thing. Some people (and countries) have little to no concept of this; may we be reminded of our good fortunes.

Alright, on with the League. WK11 has concluded and the Pharaoh (a.k.a. Safari) is still trouncing the competition, now holding the golden spot for seven weeks consecutive. Tree Bone is still staring at the Lion's ass, but remains determined. Let's see the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Not only is Safari still leading, but he is also this week's top bread winner, bringing home 187.35 fantasy points, the most anyone has earned in a single week this season. A formidable effort, Safari.

"Merci, Commissioner," said Safari.

No change in the ranks this week; it appears that both Safari and Burgundy are holding steady.

"Fuck off!" said Burgundy.

Tree Bone continues to dominate PPGP with a League-leading 3.47 (League average is 3.34). Every other select-GM has a respectable PPGP with the exception of Burgundy, who is desperately trying to stay above the 3.00 PPGP mark (he currently holds a 3.06). Whether he can keep up the pace seems as wobbly as the walk of a penguin.

"Fuckin' Penguins..." said Burgundy.

Though Safari still leads, his goalie stats are worrisome, which is exactly why he pounced on employing Varlamov and the suddenly surging Colorado Avalanche. With Safari still sporting the second worst 3.98 PPGP for goalie games, Commissioner Randy thinks this may soon uptick, assuming Colorado can push for a playoff position.

In other news, there have been rumours circulating around town that the select-GM's will be meeting sometime over the holiday break. As Commissioner, I'll be reaching out and proposing a meet to discuss all things sexy, from cocky hockey to bitchy Sitchy's. Apparently Burgundy and Dick Burns landed in their hometown last night and may be meeting up with Tree Bone and Sitch for a salutation. The meeting of select-GM's always brings drama, gossip and word vomit...

Or is it actual vomit?

Steer clear of Tree Bone, am I right?

"Come on boys, let's drop this already!" screeched Tree Bone.

Stay tuned for fireworks, gentlemen and lady. Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Life without the Delete Key

That's right folks. I'm going to type this enture blog with out using the delete key. I

FUck

Fuck I shouldn't have typed. that. 

Damn it!

Here are the rule:

1. I will not use the delete key.

2. I will try to type as I normally would at normal speed.

3. That's it.

Some p[eople always wonder why I'm so good at reporting on the Randy Leagues. They think that words just fly out of my mouth, transfer to my fatty fingers, and then transpose onto this blog. That is not hte case. These reports are well thought out, with many drafts, possibly reviewed by one of my many hot blonde and brunetted receptionists and typists. There are so many moving parts and blood, sweat and tears that go into these posts. You have no idea how much this takes a toll on my life.

But, this is why I love doing it. And this is why I will continue to do it.

I mentioned once in a blog post (I think it was Randy's Redemption, but I may be wrong) that I write a--- slash pen my posts with a fine=tipped ballpoint pen first. Then, it is typed out. But with the emergence of technology, old sir Fucking Randy got with the times, disposed of his amish pen and hit the keyboard with the utmost strength. While I still enjoy the feeling of a compoisite pen in my fingers, I must admit typing on a computer makes this jmmensely pcker . Fuick. Quicker! Shit!

Now I'm getting so selc convious about typing. That was... a horrlbly typed sentence. OMG I need the key. Give me the fucking delete Key!

No... I can't use it. Fuck!

You know what I"m realizing? I thought the delete key woiuld purely impede my spelling abilities, but in fact it's affecting the way I phrase sentences. I am now realizing that I type a sentence, and then will go back and re-read it, possibly many times over, and make corections to better phrase what I am trying to say. Now without the use of the delete key, my words an dmy phrases, not to mention grammar, are getting fucked up. It's like I'm an F.O.B.

"Low BLOW Sir Fucking Randy!" screeched Sitch, full-on Asian.

Oh, great Odin's Raven me. Look at my friggin block post. THis is horrendous. I can't beleive I'm going to post this in the coming minutes. Bah!

It's like I'm writing one my Toy Story songs for Disney. I never make drafts for those kinds of songs: I just write it and go with the flow. Just like when I wrote Short People.

"Short People, short peoiple, short people got no reason to live!" -- you guys ever hear my song? You should listen; it's amazing.

"You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me. When Wi the road loks rough up ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed. You just remember what your old pal said, boy you gor friend in me!" -- this was the best song I've ever written.

Actually, hold on. Maybe not.

The best song I co=wrote was "When she Loved Me" -- with Sarah Maclaclkan (HOLY FUCK I can't believe I fucked her name up so bad.)

AH, I can't take it anymore. I live for perfection; I live to please: I love to keep this blog neat and tidy. But this blgo post is just getting horrendous. My typing speed cannot keep up with my puotoine cyber-charged brain that wants to list out 1,000 things at once. I need my receptionists to help me out! Georgette! Get the fuck over here! Denise! Amber! All you gals, help me fix this tsupid blog post. I should have never commited to such a n experiment!

No!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're telling me to stick with it. They think i'ts funny. If it wasn't for their jeweled eyes and grapefruit (FUCKING LOVE GRAPEFRUIT) breasts I'd tell them to fuck off. But, they are telling me this is good for my creativeity since I recently complained to Safari trhat I'm running out of blog ideas. They think this will help me . I hate to admit it, bu tit's working.

HAHA I just wrote tits!

Tit's working , bitches!

I'm sweating. I'm so out of my zone right now. I want to go back and remove all the fucking mistakes I've made (Now I know what Jared Cown feels like). God damn it. "I Now I know what JARED Cowen feels." No. One more time. "NOw I know how Jared Cown feels." FUck, close nough.

This must be what Burguny s teleprompter must look like.

"It doesn't look this good, Bu  shit I mean Commissioner," said Burgundy. "My teleprompter looks like "???" all the time. It's annoying!"

I strong,ly, Strongly suggest and recommend that people (all you select-GM's) do this exercise once. You'll find it so comical. Just take a MS word document, and start typing whateverht efuck you want. You know what, better yet use a word pad. MS Wod document will have autoscorrect (thank you very mu9ch Bill gate) so you might get saved. But if you use a word pad then it takes eall text at face value. See how good you are at typing without the delete key, bitches. You think this is hilarioius right/ Try it out foryouself!

I'm out of this for now. I can't take it anymore. I want to deit DAMN IT. I meant "EDIT". But I can't for fuci's sake. 

No more of this!

WK10 - Ruling like a Pharaoh

I rule.

We're done with WK10. Some select-GM's are still sitting pretty (exta Safari), while others are starting to wonder if their teams will ever turn it around (extra Burgundy). The season is a long one, my friends, so never panic. There will always be another Super Saturday, another blockbuster trade, another hat-trick, another monstrous shutout to bring your team back into the hunt for the belt. It's just like the stock market; there's always going to be ---

"Ebbs and flows, bitches!" said Burgundy.

My words, exactly. Burgundy, don't interrupt me again.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Production was down a bit this week, with the average point accumulation coming in at 117.81 fantasy points. Sitch was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 148.45 fantasy points, despite benching Jake Allen (shutout performance) and Johnny Gaudreau (2G 1A) on Saturday.

"Shit-Ass-Piss! Fuck!" screamed Sitch.

The Pharaoh (i.e. Safari) continues to lead the Wring, now six consecutive weeks. Tree Bone is showing that last week's performance was no joke, and she's now right on the tail of Safari, with games in hand and a boisterous PPGP. Burgundy, on the other hand, is still a limp-dick, and his Crosbone has not been able to find the wet zone.

"I'm hoping Crosbone will turn it around with the new coaching staff at Pittsburgh," said Burgs. "Because this is just getting ridiculous!"

As I said before, Tree Bone continues to crush the PPGP category, clocking in at 3.48 to lead the League. Sitch was actually this week's most improved; he added 0.04 to bring his PPGP to 3.29. It still ranks fourth in the League, but Sitch is looking to take any small victory he can get at this point.

"Small man, small victories," said Dick Burns.

"You... you better watch it, Dick, or I'm going to clock your head so hard you'll think you got hit by the OC Transpo!" replied Sitch.

"Don't forget your step ladder," said Dick.

Other than weaker goals-per-game and shot percentage, Tree Bone is healthy in every other category. She's definitely demonstrated that quality is more important than quantity, and her players are the most efficient in the League. With games in hand, Tree Bone could easily accumulate points going into the New Year if she wishes, potentially propelling her into Pharaoh-like territory.

"It's a pretty big position to be in," said Safari, "so I'm not sure she could handle it."

"I'll be fine," replied Tree Bone. "Just like how you'll be fine winning a silver plate at the end of all this."

Wise words, Tree.

WK9 - Bone Time

"Hey Safari, maybe this is a bad time to say 'hi'." - Tree Bone

As we head into the holiday season, things could not be any more tense for the select-GM's in the Wring. Safari, who has now held the throne for five consecutive weeks, is keeping his head above water, though someone's been making ground. She's been under the radar, but it looks as though she's finally had enough and decided to show who's tits are boss.

"Maybe this is a bad time to say 'hi'," grinned Tree Bone.

Tree "Chilled-to-the" Bone is plowing her way to the front, and is now sitting second behind Safari with, and I'm not exaggerating this here, 36 GAMES IN HAND! How the hell is she doing this? Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds McGuire: Competition is still tight (extra Tuco). It's a product of good drafting. It's a product of good bench management. It's a product of hard work. It's a product of League-wide parity.

Insightful, Pierre.

Adds McGuire: Everything is looking pretty good, except for Burgs and Sitch. With three title belts combined between the two of them, you'd think that they would have better results nine weeks into competition. But the exact opposite is true; Sitch, after showing promise about a month into competition, is now floundering; his results are even lower than his IQ. Though he has excellent pieces on his roster, some of his big guns (i.e. Stamkos) have stalled, and he can't get goalie wins. Similarly, Burgs is having trouble all around the board; Crosbone and Co. can't generate above-average player stats, and his goalies win less than 50% of the time.

Adds McGuire: This is where Tree Bone shines. I mean, really, really shines! She's got a double D-cup PPGP stat of 3.53, tops in the League, and well above the average of 3.32. She's been patient with her roster, and has so many games in hand that she can use later in the season. Dubnyk (MIN) is showing that last year's season was no fluke, and Holtby (WAS) is playing strong as well. And, who could ignore the monstrous ongoing performance of Patrick Kane?! He's gone 22 games with at least an NHL point; during week 9 he amassed 2G and 3A, good for 15.55 fantasy points. Not anything crazy in terms of weekly performance, but he's been able to produce this way for more than six weeks now. All other select-GM's are jelly.

Adds McGuire: Look at those colours. Other than having a lower than normal shot percentage, Tree Bone is doing well in most other categories, and is passing with flying colours in the goalie category. Safari, the overall leader, is hurting in the goalie stats, but that hasn't stopped him from achieving greatness as his players are compensating for the inconsistent goaltending. Dick Burns, the leader in the early going of the Wring, is still well in the hunt. Sitch and Burgs, all I can say is:

Thanks, Pierre. Cheers to you all, select-GM's. May this holiday season bring the best out of you, your teams, and your bedtime pleasures. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- the Fucking Randy