WK19 - GM's Quarterly III

Once again, Morpheus Randy is pleased to bring you GM's Quarterly. This is the third of four installments, as we are three quarters of the way through the Wring. It also coincides with WK19 of statistical reporting; orgasmic, right?

Let's get WK19 out of the way first. Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Sitch is once again sniffing up the Lion's ass, now within forty-ish points from taking the lead. However, Big Burgs is climbing up the ladder and has managed to stay in the no. 3 spot after overtaking Tree Bone last week. That being said, Sitch was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 161.55 fantasy points, breaking the mini two week streak that Burgundy had made.

"God damn that bitch, Sitch!" screamed Burgundy.

No change in rankings; Safari still sits in the ivory tower, while Dick Burns might as well be living out of a box.

"Funny story, now that you mention boxes," said Dick Burns. "I must say that boxes are an incredible invention. Very functional, practical, useful..."

Go on Dick...

"... And a great place to make out," smirked Dick.

Tree Bone is still the PPGP champion, though she has slipped in the standings. She's back up to 3.44 PPGP again, tops in the League. Aside from her, Sitch was the only other select-GM to have a positive increase in PPGP this week (he's now at 3.29, up from 3.27 a week ago).

And of course, the Rainbow.

Now, let's get to the GQIII Awards:

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - RON BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: Stephen Colbert)

Burgundy gets this award because he absolutely thwarted the competition during this quarter. He was first in every single fucking category (points added, PPGP). His massive Crosboner really did the rest of the competition in the ass, and he increased his PPGP by 0.24 over that span. Absolutely insane.

"Jeah!...... Jeah?" said Burgundy.

Stephen Colbert gets honourable mention; kind of random, but he's just been killing late night with his commentary. If any of you haven't seen his Trump vs. Trump bit, I'd highly recommend it. I highly recommend everything by Stephen Colbert, actually.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Bryan Murray)

He's back! Only this time in a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. The good ol' Jared Cowen Award goes to the butt-fucked select-GM of the quarter. This time, it belongs to Dick Burns.

"Because of the many I've butt-fucked?" said Dick Burns.

Unfortunately not, Dick Burns. You get the JC Award because of the stats. After a strong start (possibly the strongest I've ever seen), Dick Burns has (again!) fallen off the radar screen and finds himself in the Randy basement. His PPGP over the quarter was a measly 2.79, due in part from (1) not starting roster players, and (2) the decommissioned Carey Price.

GANGSTA AWARD - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Tree Bone gets the Gangsta Award.

"Because I'm engaged to a Brotha, aiight?!" asked Tree Bone.

No, absolutely not. That's insanely racist, and I would never conclude such a thing. Shame on you, Tree Bone, shame on you! Tree Bone gets the Gangsta Award because she's whipping all the other select-GM's, not in the Wring, but in life. With more than enough purses to projectile into, Tree Bone has been making it rain all year long, stacking paper the the ceiling with her fiancé and shopping around for six-figure dwellings.

"Nothin's too expensive for this power couple," said Tree Bone, pointing to herself and the Pride Rock.

What a rockin', gangsta attitude. I love it.

So, that's GQIII for you select-GM's. Here are the stats for the nerds:

Make this last quarter count, gentlemen and lady. Until next time,

- Morpheus Randy

Next Question with AznSitch

Property of Perry Fire Media - Hidden Camera Series II

The second last installment of NQ features last year's runner up, AznSitch (a.k.a. Sitch, Crasian, Perry Fire Media puppet). A bit out of place to be featuring Sitch in the second last installment; for the past two years he had been the final installment out of respect as Champions of previous seasons usually get last call.

"It's a sad, sad day," said Sitch.

Now introducing last year's Finalist and Runner Up, AznSitch.

Please, don't mention it.

Now now, come on Sitch. You had a good run. You should be proud of stringing back-to-back Championships. It's no easy task, if you ask me.

Brah, Randy, I demand excellence, so when I don't achieve it, I'm a wreck. I hate myself. Some say I'm too tough on myself, but I don't care; this is who I am and this is who I'm going to be. I want it back, and I'll never want to share it.

Emo Sitch

Coarse words, Sitch.

Coarse, but true. Some people say I'm an EoX (Example of Excellence); well, I failed that last year, so you can imagine my emotions.

Well, instead of looking at past failures, let's look at future prosperity. How do you like the Wring so far?

You know, I sort of talked to Safari and Burgs about this the day after the draft. I was really disappointed in the way I drafted. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have good players, but I felt very lost throughout the entire ordeal. Usually, I feel like I've got a good pulse on what the draft will be like; who I want, who others want, who to get, when to get them... but this year's draft was very chaotic. I felt I sucked, to be honest.

Is it because you didn't get Handsome Hank?

Ahhh I don't know. Maybe? I'm a creature of habit, right? So the last two drafts I had picked up Hank early. But this year I wasn't able to snag him, so maybe that threw off my rhythm.

Rhythm, you say?

LOL Commissioner Randy - that was ages ago.

Always nice to bring up the past, though.

Indeed.

So, you're currently second in the League; not a bad spot, if you ask me. Are you happy with where you are? For someone who didn't like the way they drafted, you're certainly doing alright.

Second means nothing to me, Commissioner. When I play, I want to win. It's like when I pump up; I'm not there to be a spotter. I'm there to fucking lift biscuits, crunch abs and be a fitness phenomenon. People come to the gym to watch me, not the other way around. So, am I doing alright? Fuck no.

OK, fine. Let me rephrase then: think you'll win?

I always have to have a positive outlook. Listen, this is the tightest fantasy pool to come around in a while. With the exception of Dick Burns - who is now 400 points out - anyone can still win this League. Do I have the determination? Yes. I just have to focus.

But I also need to keep reality in check here. One of my biggest guns (no bicep reference), Stamkos, has been having an off year. It's really weighed me down. My other has been an ugly duckling (Perry), so I'm not sure if it's feasible. But hey, Burgundy was looking like he was in the shitter before Crosbone woke up, so maybe I'm due for a late season surge. If these two guys can wake up, and the rest of my team remains constant, I think I've got a legitimate shot.

Always an analyst you are, Sitch. Thank you for your time.

Peace out, Commissioner!

WK18 - Impressive

Is there anything more striking than a man with a pipe and fur coat?

"Oh, I don't wear that all the time" said Burgundy, mid-puff. "It's just been a recent addition to my ever-growing Eddie Bauer closet. The weather has been freaking ridiculous here, so I've had to man up and kill some game in order to keep my statue warm and cozy."

It's true; this recent cold front has been unwelcoming to most. It seems that the Canadian dollar and the weather are correlated; both have taken a significant nose dive.

Anyway, aside from the cold weather, today marks the end of WK18 in the Wring. And what do you know? Burgs is in the middle of it yet again. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Burgundy was this week's top bread winner (again), taking home 171.45 fantasy points, followed by Safari who had 143.95 fantasy points. With the proceeds, Burgundy has now leapfrogged passed Tree Bone; slowly but surely, Burgundy and his Crosbone are climbing up the leader board.

"Can you smell the Bigfoot Dick getting closer to your asses?" asked Burgundy, with a smirk.

Safari still dominates the overall leader board; ever since having a slight scare from Sitch a few weeks back (where Sitch was within 10 fantasy points of overtaking Safari), Safari has been able to rebound and increase his lead and stay ahead. He's got about 70 fantasy points to work with here, but in my opinion, unless you're in the clear of a good 300 fantasy points, nothing is certain.

Tree Bone still owns PPGP and sports a 3.42 (tops in the League), but Burgundy's PPGP is now clicking at a 3.26 rate; to give some insight, Sitch's PPGP is now 3.27. Considering that Burgundy was at 3.01 about five weeks ago, that's impressive. It seems that Sitch and Burgs PPGP are going in opposite directions; Sitch is becoming flaccid, while Burgs is, well, a Crosbone.

"Holy, fuck my goalies," said Safari when looking at the rainbow.

It's been a rough go for Safari and his goalies, but he still leads overall which is the most important statistic. Though Sitch and Burgs are both breathing down his neck, Safari is still producing significantly more than both in the player department.

Speaking to inside sources, rumor has it Sitch has been looking around for trading partners. I was even told that he was considering a rebuild, which is surprising considering that he's currently sitting in second.

Adds McGuire: I had an inside source tell me that he hasn't been happy with his team since Draft day. Apparently, he has been surprised with the production of the team, but in his professional opinion he shouldn't even be ranked in the top 3. I've never seen a select-GM take such a stance before. Maybe it'll spawn some trades, maybe not. We'll just have to wait an see.

Until next time, gentlemen and lady.

- Morpheus Randy

Trade!

Excuse my French, but what in the FUCK just happened?

"I have absolutely no idea," said Safari. "I can't even understand it."

The Leafs/Sens trade was a shocker (extra pinky) to Commissioner Randy, as I am sure it was a shocker to everyone inside the Ring. We've got four select-GM's who are Sens fans and one Leafs fan. Even with these collective minds, no one could come up with a reasonable explanation.

"I was shocked," said Sitch. "It really doesn't make any sense."

"Agreed," said Dick Burns, Tree Bone and Burgundy in unison.

But, hey, I'm not here to analyze NHL transactions. Why would I do that, when I can analyze Randy League transactions instead? That is the whole purpose of my being, is it not? To report on all things Randy? ("Jeah!" screeched Burgundy.)

So, let's get down to the trade which occurred just a few days ago:

DICK BURNS receives

- Tyler Seguin

- Taylor Hall

SAFARI receives

- Nicklas Backstrom

- Dustin Byfuglien

So, what do we make out of this trade?

Adds McGuire: Such an interesting trade, Commissioner Randy. Tyler Seguin, who was almost (almost!) kept by Sitch instead of Stamkos, has been a gem for Safari this year. In my mind, he's a Keeper, so to have such a high profile name in a trade is incredible. If I use the "Don Cherry" trade analysis methodology, i.e. whoever got the best PLAYER wins the trade, I have to give the nod to Dick Burns.

"Suck it, Safari," says Seguin.

A clear win for Dick Burns?

Adds McGuire: Based on the "Don Cherry", yes. Seguin is one phenomenal Popsicle, and I think Dick got a sweet deal. But with Dick being 300+ points away from the lead, it will be a tough climb if he thinks Seguin alone will help him make it to the top. My guess is that Dick is looking to have Seguin as a Keeper next year. It would be a smart move, but it'd be ideal if he could snag a first or second round pick with another trade; this way he could keep Seguin and Price (who, in my opinion, is also a Keeper). 

And Safari: what about him? Did he get the "Bryan Murray" award, i.e. getting fleeced on a trade?

Adds McGuire: Absolutely not. Backstrom is, and always will be, a highly underrated player in the NHL. He plays second fiddle to Ovechkin, and you could argue that he's third fiddle with the emergence of Kuznetsov. And Big Byfuglien is just as valuable as Erik Karlsson, so Safari got a pretty good mix of players too. Given that Safari has dependable scorers in Tarasenko, Ovechkin and Kuznetsov, I think it was OK to give up Seguin. Safari needs help on defense, and he definitely got it!

Thanks Pierre; always love your insight.

WK17 - CrosBONE T!ME

"I love you, Sid!"

About fucking time, right?

Ronald Burgundy, mahogany aficionado, had been a lost man for most of the season so far. His lack of strength, edge and general awkwardness rivaled the likes of Coldplay's performance during last night's half time show.

But does anyone remember the wise words good ol' Commissioner Randy spoke - repeatedly - over the last few months? This Wring is fucking tight (tight! tight! tight!) and it looks like anyone can take it this season. Just when you think the "Basement Burg" has settled into his cave of musty mattresses, the Burg Surge resurrects, catapulting him off the floor and into competition.

"Jeah! That's the way I like it, baby!" screamed Burgundy.

WK17 has wrapped up, and though there aren't any changes in the standings, there's change afoot (in my opinion, anyway). Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

The gap between Safari and Sitch continues to be a close one, but Burgundy was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 166.25 fantasy points. Over the past month (excluding the week including the All-Star Game), Burgundy has averaged about 160 fantasy points per week; that's impressive.

"That's impressive; I'm not even mad," said Burgundy. "Then again, why would I be made at my own success?! HAHA!"

Thanks, Burgundy.

Though he's hanging on by a thread, I still have to give credit to Safari, who's now been no. 1 for 13 consecutive weeks. With 13 being an unlucky number, could this be the final week that he's atop the rankings?

"Fuck no," said Safari.

Though the Burg Surge is a threat, Safari still boasts impressive offensive numbers, and continues to produce when it matters most, i.e. on Super Saturdays.

Tree Bone still owns PPGP with 3.43, but the spread is getting thin. Safari and Sitch are now both locked at 3.32, while Burgs (though still last in PPGP) is now up to 3.19, thanks to the power performances of Crosbone and Malkin, not to mention strong tending in Schneider and Bishop.

And of course, the Rainbow shows us once again that parity is among us in this League. Sitch, who's always been an advocate of a well-balanced fitness regime, is sporting a well-balanced Rainbow; a combination of greens and yellows, with no drastic reds. However, he still hasn't been able to crack top spot, and with his decline in production over the past week, one must wonder if his roster is capable of being crowned Champion.

"Must... Carbo... Load..." said Sitch.

Best of luck to you all. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- Morpheus Randy

WK16 - Back to Reality

Post All-Star Weekend hangover.

Alright. The NHL All-Star Weekend fantasy is over and done with. Commissioner Randy takes pride in his thorough, detailed, well-thought out plans when acting as the Head of this prized Randy League, so you can only imagine my hysterical mindset over the monstrosity --- 

"Monstrosity!" yelled McGuire.

--- Like I was saying, over the monstrosity of a gong-show the NHL All-Star Weekend was setting up to be, full with conspiracy, embarrassment and just flat-out dumbness that came with the John Scott phenomenon. I pity the NHL for their actions and the way they tried to manipulate the system. In my experience, the more you try to negate a trending (or should I say, VIRAL) phenomenon, the more you fuel it. Why the NHL wanted to ex-nay a player from the All-Star festivities, which has been an incredible bore since the early 2000s, makes no sense to me. The damned All-Star Weekend needs as much help as it can get, in any shape, and John Scott was the perfect fit for an otherwise yawning event.

Before I get into too much of a rant, here are this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Obviously, with All-Star Weekend taking place, the point accumulations were minimal. Dick Burns was technically this week's top bread earner, bringing in 40.85 fantasy points. Go Dick!

No change occurred in the rankings, though Sitch has narrowed the gap between he and Safari to within 5 fantasy points. All he needs is one more chin-up.

"Focus," said Sitch, mouthful of rice.

Tree Bone still leads PPGP overall with a 3.45, followed by Sitch at 3.35. Safari is holding steady at 3.32, while Dick is still in the mix at 3.26. Burgundy, still lowest at 3.12, is starting to make headway and could soon find himself hovering at the League-wide average of 3.30.

And finally the Rainbow. Look at the sea of colours; I can't believe how evenly distributed it is.

Aside from statistics, here are the most recent updates for the five select-GM's. This information was pulled via multiple sources, most of which must remain secret. The credibility of said sources may be suspect, but Sir Fucking Randy couldn't give a fuck; speculation is the name of the game, after all, so I'll report what I've got.

SAFARI - Has not been seen or heard from since the last full moon. Rumors indicate he's enjoying Dubai life way too much to care for hockey-related matters, though he continues to prowl the free-agent listings, picking and dropping talent faster than DiCaprio. He's also been seen creating SnapChat clips; it is unknown whether his pubic areas have been revealed on the platform.

SITCH - He was seen leaving the movie theatres not too long ago with a few kernels stuck to his face. Speaking with locals, eye-witnesses say Sitch has fallen off the wagon as of late; he's lost muscle mass and weight and his diet is no better than a John Everyman. Though he's dedicated to the Wring, it seems his other endeavors (fitness and business) are on the rails.

TREE BONE - She was last seen at Sitch's residence, enjoying a non-hockey festivity of making dumplings. City cameras have spotted her strutting down hip and trendy neighborhoods, as she looks for dwellings to buy. While no one can confirm whether she intends to make an offer on a crib, she's never been shy of being a high roller, and some say a purchase could come sooner than later.

BURGUNDY - Has been ejaculating over the performances of Crosby and DiCaprio (the Revenant).

DICK BURNS - Has pretty much been MIA since Christmas. Busy with his own production company, his direct line has been off the hook with calls from agents, fans, performers etc. trying to get onto his productions. Along with creating such a presence in the performing arts field, he's also rumored to be heavily involved in LACTOD (Legislative Alliance to Cease Takings Of Dairy).

It took me nearly an eternity to get these status updates on you select-GM's. I only have so many birds out there to spy for me. Will someone, please, just return my phone calls?

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy