WK1 - Dick Punch Advisory

We're all familiar with this image, yes?

WK1 is officially in the books, which means Randy's Wring has officially kicked off and competition is in full (dick) swing, with extra meat. As someone who loves all things statistical, I must say that data I've collected from all the Randy Leagues is starting to show trends, seasonal patterns and orgasmic correlations. What are some of these trends, you ask?

How about this: Season starts, Dick Burns ejaculates over competition.

"My god why must you be so vulgar?!" cried Tree Bone.

Some men are born smart, others are born vulgar, Tree Bone. You're looking at a man who was born with both.

Like previous seasons, Dick Burns is off to a strong start. He leads the League after the first week of competition and boasts a strong 4.19 PPGP. Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

"Errrrrection!" said Dick Burns.

Though Dick's goalies (Price, Quick) haven't quite cashed in for him yet (Dick sports a 2.25 PPGP per goalie game), he's hamming it in the player department, thanks in part to the stellar play of Max Pacioretty (16.35 points this week), as well as Joe Pavelski and Blake Wheeler (both had 15.25 points this week). 

"I gotta hand it to Dick in selecting Blake Wheeler," said Burgundy. "Wheeler's been a top producer over the past three years, but no one seems to pick him up, EVER. Except Dick. Me rrrikeey that trend."

"Me rikey!"

Me rrrikeey that trend analysis too, Burgundy. Speaking of trend analysis, I noted another predictable pattern, and that is Sitch stumbling out of the gates. Though he isn't last in the League, he's damn near close, and his PPGP is an abysmal 2.80, a League-low.

In response, Sitch said, "This ain't no ---"

---  BPC, BPC... Yes, we get it Sitch.

"I know you do," said Sitch. "I'm just trying to remind everyone. Repeating and conditioning is the only way to get the message across. That's what I'm highlighting in my second fitness instalment, Bitch-It's-Still-Sitch, where the program consists of ---"

ENOUGH.

"SLUT!" yelled Tree Bone.

I've had it up to here with Sitch's spamming efforts.

Aside from the points earned over WK1 of Randy's Wring, several other activities occurred in the past seven days (League or otherwise). League transactions have already started heating up, with Safari leading the way in player adds and drops. Burgs has also made minor tweaks to his roster, but that doesn't surprise me given his love for tweaking.

WK1 also marked the coming and going of Thanksgiving. My junior staff, who worked all through the weekend in an effort to impress me, noted that Sitch and Burgs were spotted together, cruising conspicuously in a Camry in an effort to camouflage themselves while in public. It was reported that they stopped for a carbo-load, likely an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.

"I can neither confirm or deny that," said Sitch.

While it wasn't known exactly what was discussed, rumour has it a portion of their conversation did involve the Wring. Word has it Sitch has been shopping around a few players, looking for a trading partner. Apparently, he's not happy with his roster and wants to make some changes.

"How about Tyler Bozak?" asked Safari.

"If you're going to do that, you might as well just pick up Sean Avery," said Dick Burns. "Or... Aaron Ward... Too soon?"

Wise words, Dick.