WK11 - Happy Holidays

Santa, baby...

Happy holidays friends, from yours truly. I have always loved the holidays, not so much for the gifts exchange extravaganza or the diabetic treats, but for the company of others (how Charlie Brown). Think about it, friends: on your fucking deathbed, will you be holding onto Air Jordan's you got that one Christmas, or will you be breathing in one last time and thinking of the good old days, snuggling with your loved ones without a care in the world? Take time for your family and friends, because time is the ultimate gift.

Let us be clear about one thing: we are fortunate. "Vacation" and "holiday" is very much a North American thing; I've seen faces and places who know of no such thing. Some people (and countries) have little to no concept of this; may we be reminded of our good fortunes.

Alright, on with the League. WK11 has concluded and the Pharaoh (a.k.a. Safari) is still trouncing the competition, now holding the golden spot for seven weeks consecutive. Tree Bone is still staring at the Lion's ass, but remains determined. Let's see the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Not only is Safari still leading, but he is also this week's top bread winner, bringing home 187.35 fantasy points, the most anyone has earned in a single week this season. A formidable effort, Safari.

"Merci, Commissioner," said Safari.

No change in the ranks this week; it appears that both Safari and Burgundy are holding steady.

"Fuck off!" said Burgundy.

Tree Bone continues to dominate PPGP with a League-leading 3.47 (League average is 3.34). Every other select-GM has a respectable PPGP with the exception of Burgundy, who is desperately trying to stay above the 3.00 PPGP mark (he currently holds a 3.06). Whether he can keep up the pace seems as wobbly as the walk of a penguin.

"Fuckin' Penguins..." said Burgundy.

Though Safari still leads, his goalie stats are worrisome, which is exactly why he pounced on employing Varlamov and the suddenly surging Colorado Avalanche. With Safari still sporting the second worst 3.98 PPGP for goalie games, Commissioner Randy thinks this may soon uptick, assuming Colorado can push for a playoff position.

In other news, there have been rumours circulating around town that the select-GM's will be meeting sometime over the holiday break. As Commissioner, I'll be reaching out and proposing a meet to discuss all things sexy, from cocky hockey to bitchy Sitchy's. Apparently Burgundy and Dick Burns landed in their hometown last night and may be meeting up with Tree Bone and Sitch for a salutation. The meeting of select-GM's always brings drama, gossip and word vomit...

Or is it actual vomit?

Steer clear of Tree Bone, am I right?

"Come on boys, let's drop this already!" screeched Tree Bone.

Stay tuned for fireworks, gentlemen and lady. Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy

Life without the Delete Key

That's right folks. I'm going to type this enture blog with out using the delete key. I

FUck

Fuck I shouldn't have typed. that. 

Damn it!

Here are the rule:

1. I will not use the delete key.

2. I will try to type as I normally would at normal speed.

3. That's it.

Some p[eople always wonder why I'm so good at reporting on the Randy Leagues. They think that words just fly out of my mouth, transfer to my fatty fingers, and then transpose onto this blog. That is not hte case. These reports are well thought out, with many drafts, possibly reviewed by one of my many hot blonde and brunetted receptionists and typists. There are so many moving parts and blood, sweat and tears that go into these posts. You have no idea how much this takes a toll on my life.

But, this is why I love doing it. And this is why I will continue to do it.

I mentioned once in a blog post (I think it was Randy's Redemption, but I may be wrong) that I write a--- slash pen my posts with a fine=tipped ballpoint pen first. Then, it is typed out. But with the emergence of technology, old sir Fucking Randy got with the times, disposed of his amish pen and hit the keyboard with the utmost strength. While I still enjoy the feeling of a compoisite pen in my fingers, I must admit typing on a computer makes this jmmensely pcker . Fuick. Quicker! Shit!

Now I'm getting so selc convious about typing. That was... a horrlbly typed sentence. OMG I need the key. Give me the fucking delete Key!

No... I can't use it. Fuck!

You know what I"m realizing? I thought the delete key woiuld purely impede my spelling abilities, but in fact it's affecting the way I phrase sentences. I am now realizing that I type a sentence, and then will go back and re-read it, possibly many times over, and make corections to better phrase what I am trying to say. Now without the use of the delete key, my words an dmy phrases, not to mention grammar, are getting fucked up. It's like I'm an F.O.B.

"Low BLOW Sir Fucking Randy!" screeched Sitch, full-on Asian.

Oh, great Odin's Raven me. Look at my friggin block post. THis is horrendous. I can't beleive I'm going to post this in the coming minutes. Bah!

It's like I'm writing one my Toy Story songs for Disney. I never make drafts for those kinds of songs: I just write it and go with the flow. Just like when I wrote Short People.

"Short People, short peoiple, short people got no reason to live!" -- you guys ever hear my song? You should listen; it's amazing.

"You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me. When Wi the road loks rough up ahead, and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed. You just remember what your old pal said, boy you gor friend in me!" -- this was the best song I've ever written.

Actually, hold on. Maybe not.

The best song I co=wrote was "When she Loved Me" -- with Sarah Maclaclkan (HOLY FUCK I can't believe I fucked her name up so bad.)

AH, I can't take it anymore. I live for perfection; I live to please: I love to keep this blog neat and tidy. But this blgo post is just getting horrendous. My typing speed cannot keep up with my puotoine cyber-charged brain that wants to list out 1,000 things at once. I need my receptionists to help me out! Georgette! Get the fuck over here! Denise! Amber! All you gals, help me fix this tsupid blog post. I should have never commited to such a n experiment!

No!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're telling me to stick with it. They think i'ts funny. If it wasn't for their jeweled eyes and grapefruit (FUCKING LOVE GRAPEFRUIT) breasts I'd tell them to fuck off. But, they are telling me this is good for my creativeity since I recently complained to Safari trhat I'm running out of blog ideas. They think this will help me . I hate to admit it, bu tit's working.

HAHA I just wrote tits!

Tit's working , bitches!

I'm sweating. I'm so out of my zone right now. I want to go back and remove all the fucking mistakes I've made (Now I know what Jared Cown feels like). God damn it. "I Now I know what JARED Cowen feels." No. One more time. "NOw I know how Jared Cown feels." FUck, close nough.

This must be what Burguny s teleprompter must look like.

"It doesn't look this good, Bu  shit I mean Commissioner," said Burgundy. "My teleprompter looks like "???" all the time. It's annoying!"

I strong,ly, Strongly suggest and recommend that people (all you select-GM's) do this exercise once. You'll find it so comical. Just take a MS word document, and start typing whateverht efuck you want. You know what, better yet use a word pad. MS Wod document will have autoscorrect (thank you very mu9ch Bill gate) so you might get saved. But if you use a word pad then it takes eall text at face value. See how good you are at typing without the delete key, bitches. You think this is hilarioius right/ Try it out foryouself!

I'm out of this for now. I can't take it anymore. I want to deit DAMN IT. I meant "EDIT". But I can't for fuci's sake. 

No more of this!

WK10 - Ruling like a Pharaoh

I rule.

We're done with WK10. Some select-GM's are still sitting pretty (exta Safari), while others are starting to wonder if their teams will ever turn it around (extra Burgundy). The season is a long one, my friends, so never panic. There will always be another Super Saturday, another blockbuster trade, another hat-trick, another monstrous shutout to bring your team back into the hunt for the belt. It's just like the stock market; there's always going to be ---

"Ebbs and flows, bitches!" said Burgundy.

My words, exactly. Burgundy, don't interrupt me again.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Production was down a bit this week, with the average point accumulation coming in at 117.81 fantasy points. Sitch was this week's top bread winner, bringing home 148.45 fantasy points, despite benching Jake Allen (shutout performance) and Johnny Gaudreau (2G 1A) on Saturday.

"Shit-Ass-Piss! Fuck!" screamed Sitch.

The Pharaoh (i.e. Safari) continues to lead the Wring, now six consecutive weeks. Tree Bone is showing that last week's performance was no joke, and she's now right on the tail of Safari, with games in hand and a boisterous PPGP. Burgundy, on the other hand, is still a limp-dick, and his Crosbone has not been able to find the wet zone.

"I'm hoping Crosbone will turn it around with the new coaching staff at Pittsburgh," said Burgs. "Because this is just getting ridiculous!"

As I said before, Tree Bone continues to crush the PPGP category, clocking in at 3.48 to lead the League. Sitch was actually this week's most improved; he added 0.04 to bring his PPGP to 3.29. It still ranks fourth in the League, but Sitch is looking to take any small victory he can get at this point.

"Small man, small victories," said Dick Burns.

"You... you better watch it, Dick, or I'm going to clock your head so hard you'll think you got hit by the OC Transpo!" replied Sitch.

"Don't forget your step ladder," said Dick.

Other than weaker goals-per-game and shot percentage, Tree Bone is healthy in every other category. She's definitely demonstrated that quality is more important than quantity, and her players are the most efficient in the League. With games in hand, Tree Bone could easily accumulate points going into the New Year if she wishes, potentially propelling her into Pharaoh-like territory.

"It's a pretty big position to be in," said Safari, "so I'm not sure she could handle it."

"I'll be fine," replied Tree Bone. "Just like how you'll be fine winning a silver plate at the end of all this."

Wise words, Tree.

WK9 - Bone Time

"Hey Safari, maybe this is a bad time to say 'hi'." - Tree Bone

As we head into the holiday season, things could not be any more tense for the select-GM's in the Wring. Safari, who has now held the throne for five consecutive weeks, is keeping his head above water, though someone's been making ground. She's been under the radar, but it looks as though she's finally had enough and decided to show who's tits are boss.

"Maybe this is a bad time to say 'hi'," grinned Tree Bone.

Tree "Chilled-to-the" Bone is plowing her way to the front, and is now sitting second behind Safari with, and I'm not exaggerating this here, 36 GAMES IN HAND! How the hell is she doing this? Here are the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Adds McGuire: Competition is still tight (extra Tuco). It's a product of good drafting. It's a product of good bench management. It's a product of hard work. It's a product of League-wide parity.

Insightful, Pierre.

Adds McGuire: Everything is looking pretty good, except for Burgs and Sitch. With three title belts combined between the two of them, you'd think that they would have better results nine weeks into competition. But the exact opposite is true; Sitch, after showing promise about a month into competition, is now floundering; his results are even lower than his IQ. Though he has excellent pieces on his roster, some of his big guns (i.e. Stamkos) have stalled, and he can't get goalie wins. Similarly, Burgs is having trouble all around the board; Crosbone and Co. can't generate above-average player stats, and his goalies win less than 50% of the time.

Adds McGuire: This is where Tree Bone shines. I mean, really, really shines! She's got a double D-cup PPGP stat of 3.53, tops in the League, and well above the average of 3.32. She's been patient with her roster, and has so many games in hand that she can use later in the season. Dubnyk (MIN) is showing that last year's season was no fluke, and Holtby (WAS) is playing strong as well. And, who could ignore the monstrous ongoing performance of Patrick Kane?! He's gone 22 games with at least an NHL point; during week 9 he amassed 2G and 3A, good for 15.55 fantasy points. Not anything crazy in terms of weekly performance, but he's been able to produce this way for more than six weeks now. All other select-GM's are jelly.

Adds McGuire: Look at those colours. Other than having a lower than normal shot percentage, Tree Bone is doing well in most other categories, and is passing with flying colours in the goalie category. Safari, the overall leader, is hurting in the goalie stats, but that hasn't stopped him from achieving greatness as his players are compensating for the inconsistent goaltending. Dick Burns, the leader in the early going of the Wring, is still well in the hunt. Sitch and Burgs, all I can say is:

Thanks, Pierre. Cheers to you all, select-GM's. May this holiday season bring the best out of you, your teams, and your bedtime pleasures. Until next time, gentlemen and lady,

- the Fucking Randy

WK8 - Millennium Club

1998 was the shit.

"We've got stars directing our fate..."

Ain't that the truth? With select-GM's stockpiling the NHL's best, the stars on the ice are definitely determining the fate of where they shall place in the final rankings in this year's Wring. As far as Safari is concerned, things couldn't be going any better. He's been able to hold off the competition for four weeks straight now; that's a month of leadership. And, he's the first one to achieve Millennium status (1,000 fantasy points).

"Sure as hell beats the silver lining," said Safari.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari was the biggest bread earner this week, taking in 162.25 fantasy points, the biggest haul so far in the two months we've had in the Wring. Sitch came up second with 159.05 fantasy points.

Adds McGuire: Though these point accumulations are impressive by Sitch and Safari, production on a whole increased this week. In fact, every select-GM except Burgundy was able to bring home at least 156.00 fantasy points.

"God damn it, I am so over-fucking-due for an ebb and flow. FUCK!" screamed Burgundy.

No major changes in the actual ranks, with the exception of Dick and Sitch trading places.

"Sometimes you gotta rotate," said Dick. "I don't mind dancing around for a while if it means ultimately finishing on top."

(Sitch was left speechless as he could not understand the pun Dick put forth.)

The most improved select-GM this week in terms of PPGP was Sitch, who added 0.16 to this stat. Though his 3.35 PPGP ranks fourth in the League, he's now within striking distance of Safari, Dick and Tree Bone.

Adds McGuire: Unfortunately for Burgs, his PPGP remains flaccid, much like the Crosbone. He's been hovering around the 3.00PPGP range for almost a quarter of the season. If we don't see any improvement soon, I think a big trade is necessary. He'll either gather or begin liquidating assets. This is obviously not where Burgs thought he'd be this season; he had such a strong finish last year and drafted well going into this year. It's a mystery. A mystery! A mystery I say!

I heard you the first time, Pierre.

Despite losing Carey Price, Dick Burns has the best goaltending statistics in the League. Impressive, considering he only holds two goalies (one of them being Price).

Adds McGuire: We may begin to start seeing separation here. At the rate Dick is playing his goalies, he's projected to have 17 goalie games left on the table by season's end. That's estimated to be about 75.00 fantasy points unearned, which could make a big impact considering how close this Wring has become. Tree Bone, this year's star PPGP performer, is projected to leave 33 games (both player and goalie), which would mean she'd forfeit over 100.00 fantasy points. Will they make up their games? It's unclear, but I if there's one thing I know about fantasy, it's that nothing is guaranteed.

Wise words, Pierre. (Did I just say that?!)

WK7 - GM's Quarterly I

Safari, perched high above in the ivory tower.

WK7 is in the books, which also coincidentally acts as a checkpoint for the first quarter mark of the Wring. Safari has managed to sit atop the rankings for three consecutive weeks, though the rest of the competition is in hot pursuit. What has this quarter brought us so far? Who's been sizzling like a Montreal-style steak? Who's been vulnerable like a sitting Anaheim Duck? Commissioner Randy has the answers, as always.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Safari)

Let's go Team DB!

This one was close. Though Dick Burns sits second on the standings, I'm giving him Select-GM of the Quarter because his picks of Price and Pacioretty single-handedly freaked out the entire competition in the early going; Montreal got off to an insane start and both of these players were leading the way. Though Price got injured, he's stats are still in the top 10 and he's returning to action.

Safari gets honourable mention here as he's also been impressive early on too; Seguin, Ovechkin and Tarasenko are cashing in and his scoring doesn't seem to be dropping at all.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

I play good.

The Jared Cowen Award, otherwise known as the 'Butt-Fucked' award, goes to Burgundy this quarter. If any of you have seen Jared Cowen (Ottawa Senators) play recently, you'll know what I'm talking about.

"Fuck, I hate the JC Award," said a melancholy Burgundy.

Jared's had it pretty tough since he held out for a contract a while back, and his play hasn't measured up since. Burgundy has had a rough go as well; his faith in Ben Bishop (Tampa Bay) has been tested, and the Crosbone hasn't been the same scoring machine this year.

"Don't worry, Burgs!"

His goal scorers have been streaky at best, and there seems to be a lack of consistency throughout his team. Who would have thought Burgundy would have trouble scoring with Crosbone and Malkin on his roster?

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Tree Bone, lurking in the shadows.

She sports the highest PPGP among players, the second highest PPGP among goalies and is leading overall PPGP. She's got Patrick Kane lighting it up every single night. And she ranks... fourth?

Yes, Tree Bone is quietly picking up points at a high rate while conserving her games. Whether this is deliberate strategy or not is unknown, but she's doing an admirable job at sticking with her guns and keeping it cool. No need to have any back-up purses here; Tree Bone ain't gonna vomit anytime soon.

"You never know," said Tree Bone. "Give it time."

Classy as always, Tree Bone. Anyways, this wouldn't be a complete weekly report if we didn't include the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. Here they are:

Friends, a quarter of this season is already through. Only 60 or so games left until this chapter is wrapped up. Again, this year is shaping up to be one of the closest races we've ever seen. Do not for one second believe that your team is out of it. Every single select-GM has a fair shot at winning it all. Get pumped, get motivated. Grab that belt and yank it up your thighs.

"Funny, I usually do the opposite," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with African Lion Safari

The second installment of NQ will feature last year's bronze medallion, African Lion Safari. Technically speaking, this NQ should have featured Dick Burns (NQ subjects are usually published in the reverse order of where each select-GM placed last season), but Sir Dick has been MIA  - not surprising - so I haven't been able to sit down with him. Perhaps during the holiday season he'll show his dick and burns to me; for the time being, I'll have to settle for lion pubes.

Orgasmic.

Good evening, Mr. Safari.

(shifty eyes) And a dubious, or should I say "Dubai", hello to you too, Commissioner Randy.

Why so hesitant, Safari?

Sorry Commissioner. Force of habit this season. For the first time, I'm at the top of the rankings, and have held position for a few weeks. I'm getting antsy; I want to stay there and keep my fellow competitors at bay. This requires extreme due diligence and concentration, so I must be on point at all times. A byproduct of being in this state of mind is being cautious, skeptical and of course hesitant.

Classic Simpsons.

I see. Well, you've been doing a great job maintaining your lead, however big or small, in the Wring. I must commend you for that.

Thank you, Commissioner. It means a lot. I say this at every annual NQ, and I'll continue saying it: this League means everything to me. It's what I look forward to the most when I'm browsing the internet, and I cannot thank everyone enough for making this League what it is. It's tough being away from the home soil, and this League keeps my roots healthy with Canadian minerals. God damn I love this fucking League.

I love passionate select-GM's. So tell me, are you happy with your team?

I'm OK with it, for now. But I won't lie; keeping my team in check is more troublesome than keeping tabs on Dick Burns. There's so much unknown in both.

You finished tied for first in the Combine. Feeling pressured?

No, not at all. Because Combine results don't mean much, and you'd be the first to admit that. I think I did draft very well; snatching Seguin almost gave me an orgasm because I knew Sitch was contemplating between keeping him or Stamkos. A tough choice, and I probably would have kept Stamkos too, but Seguin seems to be working out better presently.

I see that you're continuously changing personnel on your roster. You lead the League with 21 roster moves.

I know. What can I say? I love making moves and analyzing future prospects. I'm like a high frequency day trader: I love the rush of making the transaction.

Buy! Wait... Sell! No... Buy!

What about trading with other select-GM's?

That's tougher, because you're always wondering if the other guy (or lady) is trying to screw you over. I mean, we are all friends and have good professional relationships, but it's still difficult. I've tried to hammer out a few trade ideas with some select-GM's, like Sitch, but they haven't gone through.

Because...?

Well, we're always in the middle of a negotiation and then he books it to the gym. Fucking gym rats.

You said it. So tell me, how's life in Dubai?

Pretty surreal. I'm really enjoying my work, which is great because you spend the majority of your waking hours at work. For those who are miserable at work, all I have to say is this: you only live once.

Wise words.

Thank you. Anyway, work is great; I'm in a challenging environment, but I'm excelling at it. Life in Dubai is fast-paced, super rushed and crowded; I love it.

Doesn't even look real, does it?

Anything you don't like?

Well, there are a few things. Space is limited, for one. I think people take space for granted. I mean, sometimes I converse with Sitch and he seems so jelly about where I live (and Burgs for that matter) but he doesn't realize that having space to live is such an underrated asset. Dubai is space limited, that's for sure. Also, it's an international city, but that doesn't mean you get international cuisine. I've had my taste at Dubai's take on Beaver Tails and poutine; Commissioner, you'd be disgusted with the latter. It's just not the same as the Great North. Suffice to say, I miss it dearly.

Anything else?

Of course. I miss my better half. This is the first time we've been in the same geographical region, but not living together. She still resides at the pyramids, whereas I'm situated in Dubai for work. Long distance is hard, and though we get by, it's still not the same as living together.

Sorry to hear that. But hey, one day you'll be at the top of the ivory tower, looking over all of Dubai as it banks you ridiculous coin. Your better half will be at your side and you'll both dance around like it's nobody's BEY-sness.

Damn straight.

#WeMadeIt

Thanks for your time, Safari.

Peace out!

WK6 - Figuring Out the Next Move

Randy's Stats Machine (I wish).

Congratulations to Safari, who has held top spot for the second consecutive week; it's a first for the seasoned select-GM. How does it feel?

"It feels like my light is touching everything," said a satisfied Safari.

Like I said previously, this is shaping up to be one of the tightest Fantasy Leagues we've ever seen. With that in mind, what the hell is each select-GM going to do to gain an upper edge? Break free from the pack? Lead by example (of excellence)? Commissioner Randy has the insights:

AFRICAN LION SAFARI

"I am exactly where I want to be. For too long I've been hiding in the tall grass, in the shadows, waiting to pounce at the right moment, only to be overtaken by the likes of Sitch and Burgs. Not this year. I shall emerge, cast a vengeance on those who shoved me to silver or worse. My PPGP is holding steady and a few of my top players are slightly underperforming. Once they wake up, it'll be mine. All fucking mine."

AZN SITCH

"Thank you, Commissioner, for allowing me to once again educate the fine readers on my patented, Oprah's-Favourite-Things-Certified, Bitch-It's-Sitch™ ---"

THAT'S IT, SITCH. YOU'RE DONE.

"Wait! Wait! Just hear me out! Bitch-It's-Sitch™ is legitimate!"

"Please! Please! I swear I'll behave! Just let me give a small shout out to the Program! It's given me so much and I just want to give back to the community! For just an easy monthly payment of $59.99, you too could have the benefits of ---"

Sitch, your demeanor is indecent. Take him away!

DICK BURNS

"I'll just continue doing what I do best. I'll ride my roster hard, just as the ladies do to me. I can't help that I'm constantly in demand by the females. It's the life I live, and I've had it since I was 13. Tall, smart, sophisticated, with a voice that makes a roomful of honies weak in the knees. Good day, gentlemen and lady, and good luck to you all in the Wring."

TREE BONE

"You know what? Some people disregard me. They think that I'm not paying attention. But I was raised by parents who told me that anything and everything is possible if you set your mind to it. Look at me now; I'm not in first, but I'm trumping PPGP. Papa Tree Bone guides me when I need it, but I'm ultimately calling the shots. Don't ever underestimate a woman's presence."

RON BURGUNDY

[SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the Imitation Game and wish to see it, do not read the rest of this post.]

"You have no idea what I'm capable of. People think that Sitch is some sort of Fantasy God because he won the Randy League's twice. But who won last year? That's right - ME. I've been spying on all you little fuckers, keeping tabs and writing shit down. I know all your secrets, all your theories, and I'll use them all to my advantage and get rewarded. The title belt shall stay with me."

Wow... some strong words from all the select-GMs. Here are this week's stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

Can you say close or what?

"I can," said Dick Burns. "But I also like the word "closer". Because that's what I am. A closer."

Wise words, Dick.

Yup, he'll close the deal tonight.

Tight! Tight Tight Tight!

Commissioner Randy woke up this morning craving poutine. As soon as my eyes opened, I was salivating for glorious cheese curds (extra Quebec) and creamy-rich, over-salted gravy mixed with crisp and savory french fries. And, a little green onion garnish to finish it off.

But before Commissioner Randy goes out to get his morning fix, he attends to his desktop computer (old-fashioned, I know) and checks his inbox for any League-related matters that need immediate attention. Being Commissioner is not a standard 9-5 job; you gotta love what you do, and do what no one else will, which means dedicating every waking hour to making Fantasy Hockey the greatest thing in the world. It must be so great, that you will even delay a poutine fix if need be.

I checked my inbox and all is well; the stats machine is humming away, calibrating the next week's stats report already, while all select-GM's appear content with League matters etc. I browse to the standings to check up on the rankings, as I always do. My statistical eyes run up and down the standings and suddenly, all I can think is:

Tight! Tight Tight Tight!

Indeed, Tuco. Indeed.

This League is shaping up to be one of the tightest races we've ever seen. A few weeks ago, Dickery Burns was laughing, thwarting the competition with his Maximo Pacioretty, feeling ever so good about his Price-ing strategy. But then, Safari's roster decided to wake up. Sitch finally got some goaltending. Tree Bone took flight like a Blackhawk. And the Crosbone made love.

"GLORIOUS!" screamed Burgundy.

My friends, the Wring is full of tension; this tight rope being walked is only getting tighter and tighter. Who knew that the difference between first through fifth would be a mere 87.70 fantasy points?

"I LOVE 87!" screamed Burgundy.

After seeing this tightness, I hibernate my desktop and begin my quest to obtaining some fine poutine. I scrub off last night's sex crust ("EW!" said Tree Bone) and transform into the silver fox that I am. While I shave my face, I begin thinking about these select-GM's I manage. Dear god, I sincerely hope this tight race continues. I hope each select-GM takes their role seriously and does everything they can to win (or at least make things interesting). League-wide parity can be a bitch, but do you know what is worse? Teams who don't give a shit.

I thank thee, select-GM's, for your dedication so far. The tightness of the standings is proof in itself that everyone is gunning for the title. I ask that you continue to strive to win, as this benefits the League as a whole. I want fights. I want deals. I want all of you to fuck each other tirelessly until you're in need of a poutine recharge. There shall not be any MIA status this year, nor will there be excuses for checking out. Every select-GM is busy as fuck, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to forget about the Wring. It is forbidden. Do not forget the privilege that this select group encompasses; jobs will be worked, deadlines will be met, but a group of friends bitch-slapping one another for a shitty Dollarama title belt? That's the life, baby.

Come on bitches and Sitch's, fight to the bloody end and make this League the greatest thing since poutine.