WK8 - Millennium Club

1998 was the shit.

"We've got stars directing our fate..."

Ain't that the truth? With select-GM's stockpiling the NHL's best, the stars on the ice are definitely determining the fate of where they shall place in the final rankings in this year's Wring. As far as Safari is concerned, things couldn't be going any better. He's been able to hold off the competition for four weeks straight now; that's a month of leadership. And, he's the first one to achieve Millennium status (1,000 fantasy points).

"Sure as hell beats the silver lining," said Safari.

Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari was the biggest bread earner this week, taking in 162.25 fantasy points, the biggest haul so far in the two months we've had in the Wring. Sitch came up second with 159.05 fantasy points.

Adds McGuire: Though these point accumulations are impressive by Sitch and Safari, production on a whole increased this week. In fact, every select-GM except Burgundy was able to bring home at least 156.00 fantasy points.

"God damn it, I am so over-fucking-due for an ebb and flow. FUCK!" screamed Burgundy.

No major changes in the actual ranks, with the exception of Dick and Sitch trading places.

"Sometimes you gotta rotate," said Dick. "I don't mind dancing around for a while if it means ultimately finishing on top."

(Sitch was left speechless as he could not understand the pun Dick put forth.)

The most improved select-GM this week in terms of PPGP was Sitch, who added 0.16 to this stat. Though his 3.35 PPGP ranks fourth in the League, he's now within striking distance of Safari, Dick and Tree Bone.

Adds McGuire: Unfortunately for Burgs, his PPGP remains flaccid, much like the Crosbone. He's been hovering around the 3.00PPGP range for almost a quarter of the season. If we don't see any improvement soon, I think a big trade is necessary. He'll either gather or begin liquidating assets. This is obviously not where Burgs thought he'd be this season; he had such a strong finish last year and drafted well going into this year. It's a mystery. A mystery! A mystery I say!

I heard you the first time, Pierre.

Despite losing Carey Price, Dick Burns has the best goaltending statistics in the League. Impressive, considering he only holds two goalies (one of them being Price).

Adds McGuire: We may begin to start seeing separation here. At the rate Dick is playing his goalies, he's projected to have 17 goalie games left on the table by season's end. That's estimated to be about 75.00 fantasy points unearned, which could make a big impact considering how close this Wring has become. Tree Bone, this year's star PPGP performer, is projected to leave 33 games (both player and goalie), which would mean she'd forfeit over 100.00 fantasy points. Will they make up their games? It's unclear, but I if there's one thing I know about fantasy, it's that nothing is guaranteed.

Wise words, Pierre. (Did I just say that?!)

WK7 - GM's Quarterly I

Safari, perched high above in the ivory tower.

WK7 is in the books, which also coincidentally acts as a checkpoint for the first quarter mark of the Wring. Safari has managed to sit atop the rankings for three consecutive weeks, though the rest of the competition is in hot pursuit. What has this quarter brought us so far? Who's been sizzling like a Montreal-style steak? Who's been vulnerable like a sitting Anaheim Duck? Commissioner Randy has the answers, as always.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Safari)

Let's go Team DB!

This one was close. Though Dick Burns sits second on the standings, I'm giving him Select-GM of the Quarter because his picks of Price and Pacioretty single-handedly freaked out the entire competition in the early going; Montreal got off to an insane start and both of these players were leading the way. Though Price got injured, he's stats are still in the top 10 and he's returning to action.

Safari gets honourable mention here as he's also been impressive early on too; Seguin, Ovechkin and Tarasenko are cashing in and his scoring doesn't seem to be dropping at all.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

I play good.

The Jared Cowen Award, otherwise known as the 'Butt-Fucked' award, goes to Burgundy this quarter. If any of you have seen Jared Cowen (Ottawa Senators) play recently, you'll know what I'm talking about.

"Fuck, I hate the JC Award," said a melancholy Burgundy.

Jared's had it pretty tough since he held out for a contract a while back, and his play hasn't measured up since. Burgundy has had a rough go as well; his faith in Ben Bishop (Tampa Bay) has been tested, and the Crosbone hasn't been the same scoring machine this year.

"Don't worry, Burgs!"

His goal scorers have been streaky at best, and there seems to be a lack of consistency throughout his team. Who would have thought Burgundy would have trouble scoring with Crosbone and Malkin on his roster?

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Tree Bone, lurking in the shadows.

She sports the highest PPGP among players, the second highest PPGP among goalies and is leading overall PPGP. She's got Patrick Kane lighting it up every single night. And she ranks... fourth?

Yes, Tree Bone is quietly picking up points at a high rate while conserving her games. Whether this is deliberate strategy or not is unknown, but she's doing an admirable job at sticking with her guns and keeping it cool. No need to have any back-up purses here; Tree Bone ain't gonna vomit anytime soon.

"You never know," said Tree Bone. "Give it time."

Classy as always, Tree Bone. Anyways, this wouldn't be a complete weekly report if we didn't include the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. Here they are:

Friends, a quarter of this season is already through. Only 60 or so games left until this chapter is wrapped up. Again, this year is shaping up to be one of the closest races we've ever seen. Do not for one second believe that your team is out of it. Every single select-GM has a fair shot at winning it all. Get pumped, get motivated. Grab that belt and yank it up your thighs.

"Funny, I usually do the opposite," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.

Next Question with African Lion Safari

The second installment of NQ will feature last year's bronze medallion, African Lion Safari. Technically speaking, this NQ should have featured Dick Burns (NQ subjects are usually published in the reverse order of where each select-GM placed last season), but Sir Dick has been MIA  - not surprising - so I haven't been able to sit down with him. Perhaps during the holiday season he'll show his dick and burns to me; for the time being, I'll have to settle for lion pubes.

Orgasmic.

Good evening, Mr. Safari.

(shifty eyes) And a dubious, or should I say "Dubai", hello to you too, Commissioner Randy.

Why so hesitant, Safari?

Sorry Commissioner. Force of habit this season. For the first time, I'm at the top of the rankings, and have held position for a few weeks. I'm getting antsy; I want to stay there and keep my fellow competitors at bay. This requires extreme due diligence and concentration, so I must be on point at all times. A byproduct of being in this state of mind is being cautious, skeptical and of course hesitant.

Classic Simpsons.

I see. Well, you've been doing a great job maintaining your lead, however big or small, in the Wring. I must commend you for that.

Thank you, Commissioner. It means a lot. I say this at every annual NQ, and I'll continue saying it: this League means everything to me. It's what I look forward to the most when I'm browsing the internet, and I cannot thank everyone enough for making this League what it is. It's tough being away from the home soil, and this League keeps my roots healthy with Canadian minerals. God damn I love this fucking League.

I love passionate select-GM's. So tell me, are you happy with your team?

I'm OK with it, for now. But I won't lie; keeping my team in check is more troublesome than keeping tabs on Dick Burns. There's so much unknown in both.

You finished tied for first in the Combine. Feeling pressured?

No, not at all. Because Combine results don't mean much, and you'd be the first to admit that. I think I did draft very well; snatching Seguin almost gave me an orgasm because I knew Sitch was contemplating between keeping him or Stamkos. A tough choice, and I probably would have kept Stamkos too, but Seguin seems to be working out better presently.

I see that you're continuously changing personnel on your roster. You lead the League with 21 roster moves.

I know. What can I say? I love making moves and analyzing future prospects. I'm like a high frequency day trader: I love the rush of making the transaction.

Buy! Wait... Sell! No... Buy!

What about trading with other select-GM's?

That's tougher, because you're always wondering if the other guy (or lady) is trying to screw you over. I mean, we are all friends and have good professional relationships, but it's still difficult. I've tried to hammer out a few trade ideas with some select-GM's, like Sitch, but they haven't gone through.

Because...?

Well, we're always in the middle of a negotiation and then he books it to the gym. Fucking gym rats.

You said it. So tell me, how's life in Dubai?

Pretty surreal. I'm really enjoying my work, which is great because you spend the majority of your waking hours at work. For those who are miserable at work, all I have to say is this: you only live once.

Wise words.

Thank you. Anyway, work is great; I'm in a challenging environment, but I'm excelling at it. Life in Dubai is fast-paced, super rushed and crowded; I love it.

Doesn't even look real, does it?

Anything you don't like?

Well, there are a few things. Space is limited, for one. I think people take space for granted. I mean, sometimes I converse with Sitch and he seems so jelly about where I live (and Burgs for that matter) but he doesn't realize that having space to live is such an underrated asset. Dubai is space limited, that's for sure. Also, it's an international city, but that doesn't mean you get international cuisine. I've had my taste at Dubai's take on Beaver Tails and poutine; Commissioner, you'd be disgusted with the latter. It's just not the same as the Great North. Suffice to say, I miss it dearly.

Anything else?

Of course. I miss my better half. This is the first time we've been in the same geographical region, but not living together. She still resides at the pyramids, whereas I'm situated in Dubai for work. Long distance is hard, and though we get by, it's still not the same as living together.

Sorry to hear that. But hey, one day you'll be at the top of the ivory tower, looking over all of Dubai as it banks you ridiculous coin. Your better half will be at your side and you'll both dance around like it's nobody's BEY-sness.

Damn straight.

#WeMadeIt

Thanks for your time, Safari.

Peace out!

WK6 - Figuring Out the Next Move

Randy's Stats Machine (I wish).

Congratulations to Safari, who has held top spot for the second consecutive week; it's a first for the seasoned select-GM. How does it feel?

"It feels like my light is touching everything," said a satisfied Safari.

Like I said previously, this is shaping up to be one of the tightest Fantasy Leagues we've ever seen. With that in mind, what the hell is each select-GM going to do to gain an upper edge? Break free from the pack? Lead by example (of excellence)? Commissioner Randy has the insights:

AFRICAN LION SAFARI

"I am exactly where I want to be. For too long I've been hiding in the tall grass, in the shadows, waiting to pounce at the right moment, only to be overtaken by the likes of Sitch and Burgs. Not this year. I shall emerge, cast a vengeance on those who shoved me to silver or worse. My PPGP is holding steady and a few of my top players are slightly underperforming. Once they wake up, it'll be mine. All fucking mine."

AZN SITCH

"Thank you, Commissioner, for allowing me to once again educate the fine readers on my patented, Oprah's-Favourite-Things-Certified, Bitch-It's-Sitch™ ---"

THAT'S IT, SITCH. YOU'RE DONE.

"Wait! Wait! Just hear me out! Bitch-It's-Sitch™ is legitimate!"

"Please! Please! I swear I'll behave! Just let me give a small shout out to the Program! It's given me so much and I just want to give back to the community! For just an easy monthly payment of $59.99, you too could have the benefits of ---"

Sitch, your demeanor is indecent. Take him away!

DICK BURNS

"I'll just continue doing what I do best. I'll ride my roster hard, just as the ladies do to me. I can't help that I'm constantly in demand by the females. It's the life I live, and I've had it since I was 13. Tall, smart, sophisticated, with a voice that makes a roomful of honies weak in the knees. Good day, gentlemen and lady, and good luck to you all in the Wring."

TREE BONE

"You know what? Some people disregard me. They think that I'm not paying attention. But I was raised by parents who told me that anything and everything is possible if you set your mind to it. Look at me now; I'm not in first, but I'm trumping PPGP. Papa Tree Bone guides me when I need it, but I'm ultimately calling the shots. Don't ever underestimate a woman's presence."

RON BURGUNDY

[SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the Imitation Game and wish to see it, do not read the rest of this post.]

"You have no idea what I'm capable of. People think that Sitch is some sort of Fantasy God because he won the Randy League's twice. But who won last year? That's right - ME. I've been spying on all you little fuckers, keeping tabs and writing shit down. I know all your secrets, all your theories, and I'll use them all to my advantage and get rewarded. The title belt shall stay with me."

Wow... some strong words from all the select-GMs. Here are this week's stats, courtesy of the stats machine:

Can you say close or what?

"I can," said Dick Burns. "But I also like the word "closer". Because that's what I am. A closer."

Wise words, Dick.

Yup, he'll close the deal tonight.

Tight! Tight Tight Tight!

Commissioner Randy woke up this morning craving poutine. As soon as my eyes opened, I was salivating for glorious cheese curds (extra Quebec) and creamy-rich, over-salted gravy mixed with crisp and savory french fries. And, a little green onion garnish to finish it off.

But before Commissioner Randy goes out to get his morning fix, he attends to his desktop computer (old-fashioned, I know) and checks his inbox for any League-related matters that need immediate attention. Being Commissioner is not a standard 9-5 job; you gotta love what you do, and do what no one else will, which means dedicating every waking hour to making Fantasy Hockey the greatest thing in the world. It must be so great, that you will even delay a poutine fix if need be.

I checked my inbox and all is well; the stats machine is humming away, calibrating the next week's stats report already, while all select-GM's appear content with League matters etc. I browse to the standings to check up on the rankings, as I always do. My statistical eyes run up and down the standings and suddenly, all I can think is:

Tight! Tight Tight Tight!

Indeed, Tuco. Indeed.

This League is shaping up to be one of the tightest races we've ever seen. A few weeks ago, Dickery Burns was laughing, thwarting the competition with his Maximo Pacioretty, feeling ever so good about his Price-ing strategy. But then, Safari's roster decided to wake up. Sitch finally got some goaltending. Tree Bone took flight like a Blackhawk. And the Crosbone made love.

"GLORIOUS!" screamed Burgundy.

My friends, the Wring is full of tension; this tight rope being walked is only getting tighter and tighter. Who knew that the difference between first through fifth would be a mere 87.70 fantasy points?

"I LOVE 87!" screamed Burgundy.

After seeing this tightness, I hibernate my desktop and begin my quest to obtaining some fine poutine. I scrub off last night's sex crust ("EW!" said Tree Bone) and transform into the silver fox that I am. While I shave my face, I begin thinking about these select-GM's I manage. Dear god, I sincerely hope this tight race continues. I hope each select-GM takes their role seriously and does everything they can to win (or at least make things interesting). League-wide parity can be a bitch, but do you know what is worse? Teams who don't give a shit.

I thank thee, select-GM's, for your dedication so far. The tightness of the standings is proof in itself that everyone is gunning for the title. I ask that you continue to strive to win, as this benefits the League as a whole. I want fights. I want deals. I want all of you to fuck each other tirelessly until you're in need of a poutine recharge. There shall not be any MIA status this year, nor will there be excuses for checking out. Every select-GM is busy as fuck, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to forget about the Wring. It is forbidden. Do not forget the privilege that this select group encompasses; jobs will be worked, deadlines will be met, but a group of friends bitch-slapping one another for a shitty Dollarama title belt? That's the life, baby.

Come on bitches and Sitch's, fight to the bloody end and make this League the greatest thing since poutine.

Cheers, Mr. Fedorov

For those who missed it, the 2015 Hockey Hall of Fame induction ceremony was last night. Mr. Fucking Randy was obviously in attendance, though on this rare occasion I was not summoned to the stage to deliver my trademark soundtracks. I was there as a spectator, taking in the glory and greatness that gets inducted. And, of course, I looked absolutely smashing in my tux.

Anyway, induction ceremonies can either be exciting like diamond-rated whores, or boring like household chores. Humility and humbleness always take centre stage, as well as laundry lists of thank-yous. While I completely understand the need for both (and respect it), when each recipient uses the same formula to deliver his/her acceptance speech, it gets predictable.

While I didn't watch the ceremony in its entirety, I did catch Sergei Fedorov's speech. It was very touching and easily the highlight of the ceremony. Commissioner Randy rarely sheds a tear, but on this occasion there were a few. I don't regard Fedorov as one of my 'favourite' players (I save that for the likes of Ron Tugnutt), but the speech he gave certainly makes me smile.

For a touching and inspirational acceptance speech, check out TSN's full clip of Fedorov's segment here: http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/video/hhof-sergei-fedorov-induction-speech~746229. Sources (a.k.a. Safari) informed me that Fedorov apparently wanted to get the ceremony over with fast since he was so emotional about it; the video shows just that.

WK5 - Run Away, and Never Return.

Somebody in Dubai woke up with a little extra jump in his prowl this morning.

"Damn straight," said Safari.

We're now into the month of November, where most hockey analysts alike agree that this month determines the fate for most teams for the rest of the season. If you're not in it (i.e. a playoff spot) by November, you're going to have a pretty tough time getting in afterward. So, does the same fate translate inside the Randy Leagues?

"Damn straight, said Safari, again. "Give up now, gentlemen and lady. It's over. You are not worthy. Run away, and never return!"

Run. Run away, and never return.

I respectfully disagree, Safari, but I love the attitude you put forth. With Dick Burns dominating the first month of competition, it's refreshing to see that we have a new leader, Safari, atop the rankings. Now, the lead is micro-thin (extra Sitch penis) but a lead is a lead, am I right?

"Damn st---"

"Straight, we heard you," said a disgruntled Burgundy, cutting off Safari mid-sentence.

Oh come now, Mr. Ronald Burgas. You had your time in the light (he was crowned Tri-Hard! Champion, after all); can't you let Safari have some glory for taking over the lead in the Wring?

"Absolutely not," said Burgundy. "I'll be more cheerful and supportive once my Crosbone erects to the moon with extra NASA juice. Otherwise, I'm just pissed beyond belief. Come on Crosbone, come on!"

Well, before we get too emotional here, let's take a look at the stats report, courtesy of the stats machine:

As stated previously, Safari has taken over the lead, albeit by a mere single fantasy point over Dick Burns. As you can see, the chart has been revamped; I've decided to add a third stat to include the cumulative total points (the green square) so you clowns can see precisely how far away you are from sniffing Safari's ass.

"Damn straight," said Safari, again.

Alright, Safari, alright. The top bread earner of this week was Sitch, bringing home 151.30 fantasy points, about 40 points more than the League average for this week.

"Time to crunch it up!" said Sitch, inserting a Enrique compact disc.

As we can see with the rank chart, Dick's streak at no. 1 is over. While it is a shame, his demotion was caused by a single fantasy point, so it's highly possible he could see another return to the top.

"I do enjoy it on top," said Dick Burns. "It's always nice working HARD when you're on TOP. Speaking of which, I see Tree Bone's been bouncing up and down near the bottom. How does that feel, Tree Bone?"

"I'm always a fan of the bounce," said Tree Bone.

League-wide PPGP remained constant this week, but we're starting to see parity.

"Fuck no!" said Dick Burns.

Fuck yes, Dick Burns. Though Dick Burns still leads overall PPGP, he's fallen from the heavens and has returned to (Shakespeare by the) sea level productivity.  His once monstrous PPGP of 4.31 has returned from the statosphere and is now a more realistic 3.59, still tops in the League, but much closer to the 3.30 League average.

Sitch, who was this week's top bread earner, saw the biggest increase in his PPGP, jumping 0.16 to 3.27; he still ranks fourth in terms of PPGP, but we all know how much he loves to come from behind.

"Girls like that," said Sitch.

Speaking of behind, Burgundy had a tough week; his PPGP fell 0.17 and is now 2.91, falling below 3.00 levels for the first time this year. He's really thrown a wrench at the Combine Results, where he was projected to finish near or at the top. Where has he gone wrong?

Adds McGuire: I can answer that! For Burgs it's been a combination of things; we're always focused on the Crosbone because of its beauty and finesse, but there are several other factors. Yes, Crosby hasn't produced at his normal rate (he only had 3.75 fantasy points this week, along with a -7 +/- rating), but it's more than that. Parise, who was giving Burgs a hell of a ride earlier, is now out with a knee injury. Goaltending is also an issue; he hasn't been able to get dependable wins. And finally, other than Turris, no forward recorded more than 10 fantasy points this week for Burgundy. You're not going to move up in the rankings if your players can't give you double digits!

And finally the Rainbow. It's no surprise that Burgundy's racking up the red in the players statistics. What does this tell Commissioner Randy (stats expert) you may ask? My take is that he will explode with goals this week. An 8.15% shooting percentage is ridiculously low given the talent on his roster. Me thinks the goals are coming, Burgundy. Me thinks.

"Don't even try," said Safari, undressing from a pair of shiny-silver track pants. "The days of being the silver fox are over. No more sloppy seconds for this Lion. I'm on top, and I intend on staying there. Change is afoot (or a-paw). Get ready for the reign of the Lion!"

"Easy there, Simba. The King hasn't returned just yet."

Wise words, Dick.

Jungle Jousting

Safari, staring down the ass of Dick Burns.

Oh it's close. Butt-fucking close.

Dick Burns remains the overall leader in the Wring, albeit by only a handful of points. Safari actually dethroned Dick Burns earlier this week for a short time, but a 40+ point night propelled Dick back into first. The two of them appear to be the front runners early on, and both are jockeying for the lead on a nightly basis.

"He (Safari) has seven games on me," said Dick Burns, from a top secret, spacecraft in a galaxy far, far away. "I'm much farther ahead then it presently looks."

While the latter is true, I must say that it only takes one Super Saturday to change the fate of any select-GM. With Safari doing everything he can to boost his roster (including lobbying with @YahooFantasy to put McDavid on IR status), it'll only take one monster ("Yes!" screamed Pierre McGuire) night to catch up.

"I want to excel in everything I do," said Safari. "Look at me: I'm an ad wiz, decorated in awards and I've just been nominated for several more. I'm so money that I'm dropping nuggets out of my ass. I work and live in one of the richest, most baller cities in the world. There's no stopping me this year, friends!"

"My night life." - Safari

"I own this." - Safari

I've said countless times that Safari is one of the most dangerous and dedicated select GM's in the Randy Leagues. In most years, I consider him a top contender, and the only reason why he hasn't achieved Randy Champion status is because other select GM's (namely, Burgs and Sitch) had absolutely stellar seasons, far exceeding expectations. Will this be the year that Safari finally gets his taste at victory? Will he dine with the finest of (non-alcoholic) wines, sink his teeth into the finest of meats?

"Oh, well if he wants that, I can give it to him," smirked Dick Burns, gesturing to his southern region.

Wise words, Dick.

WK4 - Bent, But Not Broken

Select-GM's have been at it for about a month now. It's still early, but we're starting to see some infamous 'ebb and flow' action, as one man likes to put it.

"Indeed, ebbs and flows," said Burgundy proudly.

With one month into the books, I would hardly suspect any select-GM throwing in the towel at this stage. The season is still young, and honestly, most of the NHL elite haven't even woke up yet, minus the likes of Price and Pacioretty. But like every season, time tells the ultimate story; leads that were once righteous are now diminishing, and uphill climbs now seem only an arms-length away. For those at the top, it's no reason to freak out, but they can feel the heat on their backs.

No reason to panic, but perhaps reason to be concerned.

At the front we still have Dick Burns, leading for four weeks consecutive, the longest streak of the year so far and the longest of his career.

"I have way, way longer things under my belt... PUN!" said Dick Burns.

This week's top bread earner was Safari (153.34), who just outpaced Dick Burns (153.13).

But where is the reason to be concerned?

Adds McGuire: That's a great question, Commissioner. The concern is in productivity, the PPGP. Just look at that monstrous dip (see graph below). For the first time this year, Dick is below 4.00PPGP; he still leads the league with a healthy 3.76, but that's a 0.55 dip from last week. Everyone was down this week, and the League average PPGP was down 0.44. The hot starts that some players had is starting to wear off, and we're returning to normal levels of competition!

Thanks Pierre. Adding to his points, it also seems that the Rainbow is becoming more evenly distributed. Dick is no longer such a green thumb; he's now sporting a few yellows, though his overall stats are still looking evergreen.

Though Tree Bone currently sits fifth, it's important to note that she isn't far behind the rest of the League; being one to two hundred points behind is not like climbing Mount Everest.

Adds McGuire: Absolutely right, Commissioner. Remember Burgundy's rise to the top during last year's Tri-Hard!? He was more than three hundred points behind Sitch at one point and managed to dethrone him.

"... Why, why must you remind me of these things?!" cried Sitch, grabbing a spoonful of rice.

Adds McGuire: Like you said Commissioner, it is very early. But, I've heard whispers going around that teams are looking to make some changes. Rumour has it Sitch has been the most vocal out of the bunch, trying to find a trading partner on a weekly basis. However, we've got no confirmed trades to report.

Thanks Pierre. It is widely known that Dick Burns lives for trades, but once again he appears to be MIA (even though he's still killing it in the standings). Probably off slaying some Newfie (or lynx).

Dick Burns could not be reached for comment.

Wise (lack of) words, Dick.