WK16 - Back to Reality

Post All-Star Weekend hangover.

Alright. The NHL All-Star Weekend fantasy is over and done with. Commissioner Randy takes pride in his thorough, detailed, well-thought out plans when acting as the Head of this prized Randy League, so you can only imagine my hysterical mindset over the monstrosity --- 

"Monstrosity!" yelled McGuire.

--- Like I was saying, over the monstrosity of a gong-show the NHL All-Star Weekend was setting up to be, full with conspiracy, embarrassment and just flat-out dumbness that came with the John Scott phenomenon. I pity the NHL for their actions and the way they tried to manipulate the system. In my experience, the more you try to negate a trending (or should I say, VIRAL) phenomenon, the more you fuel it. Why the NHL wanted to ex-nay a player from the All-Star festivities, which has been an incredible bore since the early 2000s, makes no sense to me. The damned All-Star Weekend needs as much help as it can get, in any shape, and John Scott was the perfect fit for an otherwise yawning event.

Before I get into too much of a rant, here are this week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

Obviously, with All-Star Weekend taking place, the point accumulations were minimal. Dick Burns was technically this week's top bread earner, bringing in 40.85 fantasy points. Go Dick!

No change occurred in the rankings, though Sitch has narrowed the gap between he and Safari to within 5 fantasy points. All he needs is one more chin-up.

"Focus," said Sitch, mouthful of rice.

Tree Bone still leads PPGP overall with a 3.45, followed by Sitch at 3.35. Safari is holding steady at 3.32, while Dick is still in the mix at 3.26. Burgundy, still lowest at 3.12, is starting to make headway and could soon find himself hovering at the League-wide average of 3.30.

And finally the Rainbow. Look at the sea of colours; I can't believe how evenly distributed it is.

Aside from statistics, here are the most recent updates for the five select-GM's. This information was pulled via multiple sources, most of which must remain secret. The credibility of said sources may be suspect, but Sir Fucking Randy couldn't give a fuck; speculation is the name of the game, after all, so I'll report what I've got.

SAFARI - Has not been seen or heard from since the last full moon. Rumors indicate he's enjoying Dubai life way too much to care for hockey-related matters, though he continues to prowl the free-agent listings, picking and dropping talent faster than DiCaprio. He's also been seen creating SnapChat clips; it is unknown whether his pubic areas have been revealed on the platform.

SITCH - He was seen leaving the movie theatres not too long ago with a few kernels stuck to his face. Speaking with locals, eye-witnesses say Sitch has fallen off the wagon as of late; he's lost muscle mass and weight and his diet is no better than a John Everyman. Though he's dedicated to the Wring, it seems his other endeavors (fitness and business) are on the rails.

TREE BONE - She was last seen at Sitch's residence, enjoying a non-hockey festivity of making dumplings. City cameras have spotted her strutting down hip and trendy neighborhoods, as she looks for dwellings to buy. While no one can confirm whether she intends to make an offer on a crib, she's never been shy of being a high roller, and some say a purchase could come sooner than later.

BURGUNDY - Has been ejaculating over the performances of Crosby and DiCaprio (the Revenant).

DICK BURNS - Has pretty much been MIA since Christmas. Busy with his own production company, his direct line has been off the hook with calls from agents, fans, performers etc. trying to get onto his productions. Along with creating such a presence in the performing arts field, he's also rumored to be heavily involved in LACTOD (Legislative Alliance to Cease Takings Of Dairy).

It took me nearly an eternity to get these status updates on you select-GM's. I only have so many birds out there to spy for me. Will someone, please, just return my phone calls?

Cordially,

- the Fucking Randy