WK26 - GM's Quarterly IV

Commissioner Randy is pleased to bring you the fourth and final installment of GM's Quarterly, which coincides with WK26, the final week of competition inside the Wring. Bittersweet, I know, but all good things must come to an end.

"Unless it's under the sheets with this guy," said Dick Burns, pointing to himself.

Perhaps, Dick. But even a passion-filled sex-capade with you must end sometime with the rising sun. I get all melancholy when writing and publishing the fourth installment of GM's Quarterly because I know the end is near. I reflect on my reporting, identifying my triumphs but, more importantly, seeing where I fell short. Yes, even though I demand greatness, I am well aware that there were weeks in which reporting fell to substandard levels. Commissioner Randy lives the high life and his pocket book is full of events beyond hockey, making reporting that much more difficult to maintain. But I digress; let's get to the Quarterly report.

First, for the final time this season (sniff), last week's visuals, courtesy of the stats machine:

A big, Morpheus congratulations to the Ronald, who is officially this year's Champion (Title Belt ceremony TBA). As previously reported, this is the Ronald's second title, and second consecutive. He now shares the streak of title belts with Sitch (also with two consecutive).

"Thank you, Commissioner, and all select-GM's" said Burgundy. "It's an honour, and I am privileged to be in this League and call you all my colleagues and friends."

In the end, the race was extremely close. During WK26, Safari was actually the top bread winner, scoring 148.10 fantasy points, ahead of Sitch who had 126.30 fantasy points. Safari ended up less than 30 fantasy points shy of the title; a razor thin margin, if I may say so myself.

"... There are no words for my disappointment," said Safari, finishing off a box of Oreo cookies.

Sitch, on the other hand, ended about 125 fantasy points shy of winning. If you think about it, that's on average of 5 fantasy points per week. That's not very much, either.

"I left so many games on the table," said Sitch, who ended up 33 games under Burgundy. "I thought I would be able to make it up with goalie games at the end, but injuries and scheduling really put a wrench in my plans. I only have myself to blame."

Tree Bone, who had been such a PPGP threat for most of the season, floundered in the final quarter and finished fourth, one place higher than last year.

"Improvement! Nailed it!" cheered Tree Bone.

Dick Burns finished fifth, after storming out of the gates with what was arguably the strongest start to a season we've ever seen. During the first month of competition, he was averaging almost 4.00 PPGP consistently, thanks to Carey Price and Max Pacioretty. But as Montreal faded, so did Dick.

"I may be grounded in the League, but I'm taking off with my Boeing Boeing," said Dick Burns.

Well put, Dick. Now, let's get onto the GQIV Awards:

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - RON BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Could he BE any more gentlemanly?

For the second consecutive quarter, Ron Burgundy dominated the competition; he had the most points, the biggest positive change in PPGP, leaped the highest in rank and the highest PPGP over the period. What else can you do?

"I can take you all to Pleasure Town," said Burgundy.

Burgundy actually played one less game than Safari (who had lead at QIII), but booked about 100 more fantasy points than Safari over QIV, and that is what propelled Burgundy to the top.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: the Republicans)

A poster child for a wanted animal rapist.

Tree Bone's performance was significantly diluted over the quarter. Her PPGP fell -0.13 points and she averaged a League-low 2.95 PPGP over the quarter. This is especially disappointing, considering she lead PPGP for much of the season. Had Dick Burns played a few more games (as opposed to falling off the face of the Earth and hiding in a pile of cardboard boxes), Tree Bone may have dropped as far as last place in the Wring.

"I'm sorry; I was busy with my many errands," said Tree Bone. "New York needs my love, California needs my style... I'm always on the go!"

The Republican Party gets the honourable JC Award, because they are simply an embarrassment on a global scale. Late Night personalities in the USA cannot get enough of this catastrophe, and I'm sure media outlets abroad can't even fathom what has transpired. The phrase "You can't make this stuff up" should be the Republican's new slogan.

TIM TAYLOR OF THE QUARTER - SITCH

(Honourble mention - N/A)

Oh how times are a changin'. Sitch, who was well known for pumpin' and clubbin', is now domestin'. He's putting all his attention to the Mrs. and to the home.

"What can I say?" says Sitch, brushing off sawdust left on his TAPOUT sweater. "I've put away the tequila, and replaced it with suburbia."

Sitch now gets his kicks from finding parking space at Costo and engaging in DIY projects. Last year, it was refinishing his miniature deck; this year, it's been revamping his upstairs bedrooms.

 

Before and After (courtesy of Perry Fire Media, Breaking & Entering Series)

This wraps up GQIV. I have a few more articles in the works which will be published before the Wring is closed for the season (sob). If there are any topics you dear readers would like covered, feel free to message me, Commissioner Randy, and I'll evaluate whether it is worthy of my penmanship. Otherwise, enjoy these last few posts, for Commissioner Randy will be disappearing for the summer to recuperate after a long season.

"All the ladies need to recuperate after a long session with me," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.