Cross out that five and write a six instead, bitches. The year 2016 has arrived. Who else fucked up writing '2015' when it should have been '2016'? Anyone? Anyone?
"How... do you... hold pen?" slurred Sitch, carbo-dehydrated.
Sir Fucking Randy certainly fucked up a few times already, having to cross out finely penned 5s and replacing them with 6s. I hate making typos, let alone penos... is that even a word? Sounds more like a Colombian nickname. Speaking of which, Narcos is the shit. Check it out if you haven't already.
"I told you it was good, didn't I?! Didn't I?!" boasted Burgundy.
Hush now, Basement Burgs. Let's not ruin my train of thought.
With the 2015 year coming to a close, some wondered whether there'd be a mid-season select-GM meeting. Though Safari unfortunately missed out on the festivities, Burgs, Sitch, Dick and Tree all managed to see each other for two meetings over the holiday break, one of which was hosted by none other than me, Commissioner Randy.
Adds LeBrun: I'm told that the other meeting was held at secret coffee shop location, days before you hosted the select-GM's, Commissioner Randy. There was a bit of everything at the coffee meet up, save Safari. Sources indicate that very little of their meeting comprised of hockey talk, however; the majority of the conversations were dedicated to catching up, the future ("FOLIGNO!" screamed Sitch, awkwardly) and business.
Business?
Adds LeBrun: Well, we all know of Sitch and his GoodLyfe franchises, and he's now branched out into apparel and menswear. But, there have been new business developments among other select-GM's too; Tree Bone, educator-extraordinaire, reported that she is now expanding her private education business and hopes to stack mad cash with it in the New Year. Whether her services are educational or arousal have yet to be determined, but she's determined to make it rain, William Gates style (as seen below).
Adds LeBrun (cont'd): Not to be outdone, Dick has been busy at it on the East Coast; holding down a Director position (professional, not sexual) and running a production company (again, professional, not sexual). He put on seven shows during 2015 (professional, not sexual - I think). With grants and contracts being assembled left, right and central, Dick is looking like Pablo Escobar himself.
 |
| Dick Burns IS Escobar. |
Fascinating, LeBrun. What else?
Adds LeBrun: Well, I mentioned that they talked about the future. As the select-GM's were reflecting on 2015, they couldn't help themselves but look towards the future. With that in mind, the topic of Tree Bone's wedding surfaced. Scheduled for summer 2016, all appears according to plan, and we may see all five select-GM's under the same roof once again. It was a feat that occurred only twice during 2015; let us hope that 2016 will bring more encounters.
Excellent work, LeBrun. As for the meeting - a brunch - hosted by yours truly, I can say that it was a sublime meeting, filled with over-easy egg yolks and mountains of grapefruit. Many of the select-GM's also brought along their significant others, which is always a treat. Like the secret coffee meeting, the brunch consisted mostly of sweet talks and happy feelings; hockey was a non-topic.
But now that the holidays are over and your waistlines are returning to their normal circumferences, let's dive into the statistics. This holiday break was rather busy for yours truly, so I was not able to report last Monday's stats. Therefore, this week's stats report encompasses two weeks worth of stats. Here are the charts, courtesy of the stats machine:
Safari leads overall, but the biggest winner over the holiday break was Sitch, taking home 263.60 fantasy points, followed closely by Burgundy who brought in 227.30 fantasy points. Sitch is now within striking distance of Safari for the overall lead.
Sitch has climbed up to second place in the rankings, a spot he held just once previously this year. Safari has been killing it and has now held first place for an astonishing eight consecutive weeks.
Burgundy is still trying to hold on, but his PPGP is dipping, registering at 3.05PPGP, barely above 3.00. Over the two week span, all select-GM's saw their PPGP's decline, except for Sitch, who increased his PPGP by +0.08 to 3.37. Tree Bone still leads overall with a 3.45PPGP.
Finally, we can see in the rainbow that both Tree and Dick are blossoming in goalie stats. If they could just get a bit more scoring from their players, competition would be that much closer.
Adds LeBrun: I think I trade is imminent. Unless Tree Bone and Dick fall off the face of the Earth - which I would never bet against - my gut is telling me that either of them would want to knock Safari off the pedestal. Sitch has the capability to do it too, but I highly doubt anyone would want to trade with him, given that he's so close to first and has won before. It should be a great finish.
Excellent insight, LeBrun. Much appreciated.
Adds LeBrun: A pleasure as always, Commissioner. Happy New Year to all, Commissioner and select-GM. I wish you all well. Good luck to all, and I hope your 2016 will be as exciting as mine.
... What?! What do you mean by that?!
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