WK13 - GM's Quarterly II

Shit is about to get serious.

Another quarter is in the books. We're now passed the halfway point in the Wring. If this were Lord of the Rings, a crazed battle would be happening at the Twin Towers; smelly orcs would be facing off against all middle-Earth inbred armies, gigantic tree trunks (no Dick Burns intended) and some wizards (I think?). 

"Who the fuck cares?" said Dick Burns. "Fuck Peter Jackson!"

Woah! Alright, calm down there, Dick.

Before we get into the Quarterly details, let's look at last week's statistics, courtesy of the stats machine:

Safari still leads overall, but the gap between him and Sitch is paper-thin (just over 30 fantasy points). Tree Bone has kept pace as well, and is sitting pretty in third with a few handfuls of games in hand.

Burgundy, who intra-week had climbed out of the basement, fell again after Super Saturday, and has now been in the basement for nine consecutive weeks. Now that we're beyond the halfway point, some may think that Burgundy should pack it in and start a rebuild for next season. But, then again, Commissioner Randy remembers that Burgundy was, at one point, more than 300 fantasy points from winning during last year's League, yet he was able to come out on top at the end. So, why give up now?

"Jeah!" screamed Burgundy, his mustache hairs springing in excitement.

League-wide PPGP was flat (down only -0.01); Tree Bone still leads overall, but Sitch is now ranked #2 in PPGP (3.37) followed closely by Dick Burns (3.36). Safari is hanging in there at 3.35, while Burgs brings up the rear at 3.01.

Safari, with the help of superstar scorers in Ovechkin, Seguin and Tarasenko, still dominates player PPGP; however, he'll either need them to continue to outpace the competition or need his goalies to stop underachieving to hold off the charge coming from the rest of the League. Sitch's stats are looking pretty good overall; he just needs help in the wins department. If he's able to achieve this, he could really give Safari a run for his money.

So what has happened this quarter? Let's dish out the awards.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - AZNSITCH

(Honourable mention - N/A)

- from the WannaFuck? Series (Perry Fire Media)

This was a no-brainer. He tallied the most points during the quarter with 954.25 and was the most efficient. According to Glenn Healy's speed reader, he clocked Sitch collecting points at a 3.55 PPGP rate during the second quarter, ahead of Tree Bone/Dick Burns (at 3.40 each). When you collect the most points and have the best PPGP over a quarter, chances are you're the star of the quarter, and Sitch was just that.

"Werk hard, flex hard," said Sitch.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - RON BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: the Canadian Dollar)

Me, again?

I forgot I had used good ol' Jared in GM's Quarterly I. Burgundy get's the Jared Award again; Burgs registered the lowest point total (853.95) and PPGP (2.97) over this quarter and he's sitting in fifth because of it. With Crosbone producing at less than one NHL point per game, Burgundy's scoring totals have been way off, and his other roster players haven't picked up the slack. His selection of Ben Bishop, a powerhouse over the last few seasons, has struggled with Tampa Bay. Call it ebbs and flows if you want, but this valley Burgundy has been experiencing appears to be taking it's sweet ass time. Perhaps a Burg Surge will come in the coming quarters.

"Fucking Jared," said Burgundy.

Honourable mention goes to the Canadian Dollar. Looks like these loonies are worth their weight in oil. Shit.

ZFG! OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Tree Bone)

The Zero Fucks Given! Award goes to Dick Burns. I personally hate this award because it demonstrates lack of seriousness taken in the League. Nonetheless, I need to dish it out. Dick Burns, as history has shown, is giving zero fucks once again for the League, opting to produce mad productions and attend to 'dressing' topped poutine instead. Despite this, he's still well in the hunt for his first title belt, and has a respectable PPGP. Imagine where he may be if he played his roster consistently.

Honourable mention goes to Tree Bone, who is also in a similar boat. She is relieved of this award because I do see her on a monthly basis, and she always inquires as to how the League is doing.

"That counts right? That's participating if you ask me! Cheerio!" said Tree Bone.

Gentlemen, lady, your future is your destiny. Take the opportunities that you have now to achieve greatness later. Or else one day you'll be wondering where all the good times went. If there's ever one thing to work towards, it is being able to tell your loved ones, "Hey, did I ever tell you that time I won Randy's Title Belt?"

Until the next quarter,

Commissioner Randy