Next Question with Dick Burns

The third edition of NQ features last year's fourth place finisher, Dick Burns. I had wanted to post his NQ earlier, but - not surprisingly - Dick Burns was MIA and it was quite difficult to sit him down to chat. Nonetheless, I was able to flag him down during the holidays to go through a NQ, filled with cups of tea and non-dairy goodies.

(nods) Dick.

(nods) Commissioner.

You're looking ever the same. By that, I mean looking good.

Thank you, Commissioner. You know me; I'm Mr. Constant.

Mr. Constant-ly late, no?

(chuckles) Oh, you know me all too well. But I am getting better at that I believe. I'm not the "late-slip" regular that I used to be. Now, on occasion, I am the one who penalizes those who are late.

No kidding... I can't believe it.

I know, me neither. But it's true. You see, my schedule out on the East coast has become increasingly demanding; not only am I holding a Director position at my organization, but I'm also co-running a production company as well. While the ladies are always on time for their dates with this ---

Dick Burns, in all it's glory.

--- the same cannot be said for productions. I deal with a lot of artists when putting on productions, and it's no secret that time management is not a top priority for artists. Once in a while, I, Dick Burns, have to lay down the law, dick-whip performers in place and make sure shit gets done.

How authoritative, Dick Burns. Sounds like things are going very well.

They are indeed, Commissioner Randy. I put on several shows this past 2015; I believe I was a part of seven in total. They were very well received, and we were even able to pay performers (an industry rarity). I'm hoping that the New Year will bring additional performances, grants and contracts, and with the reputation I've built, I'm confident that I can make it happen.

I have no doubt that you will. While we're on the subject, do you hire your performers based on punctuality?

(ponders) It's a tough call, Commissioner Randy. In theatre, there's sort of a general rule when it comes to performers. There are three basic criteria that a performer needs. They have to be:

1. Good at what they do,
2. Likable, and
3. Punctual.

Interesting...

Yes. I call it the rule of three.

See the catch is that you'll almost NEVER get anyone with all three.

The trick is to get someone with at least two. Think about it: we all know someone with perhaps two of the traits. Everyone knows a guy at their work who may not be the sharpest knife, but he's nice and shows up on time. Though he lacks skills, he's an asset because people like him and he shows up for work.

The same can be said for a person who's equal parts genius and asshole. He could be the worst fucking person to work with. But, he's so fucking good at his job that his asshole ways get ignored.

I'm loving this rule of three, Dick.

I love it, too. It's such a great hypothetical Rubik's Cube.

So... million dollar question: how does the rule of three apply to the other select-GM's?

Oh that is a dirty, dirty question, Commissioner Randy.

Let's do it.

(sigh) OK.

BURGUNDY - He's a fucking genius and he's likable. If he'd just stop looking at himself in the mirror to see how good he looks, he'd be punctual. But alas, some men just can't tear their eyes away from themselves.

TREE BONE - Same as Burgundy. She's got the brains and the attitude. But she ain't got the time. (She's gonna hate me for saying that.)

SITCH - You could set your watch to Sitch. Whether it's counting seconds or calories, Sitch is one punctual son of a Sitch. He's also supremely good at what he does, which is isolating himself inside an iron paradise. That being said, he's not the most likable guy around. I mean, is any meat-head ever likable?

Sitch's isolation room.

SAFARI - Though he's not wound as tightly as Sitch, Safari is also punctual. And, he's a likable guy. I mean, look at him on stage: how could you not want to hang out with him? But, is he good at what he does? Hmmm... seems questionable to me since he's finished second every single year.

#FuckSilver

Wow, Dick. Those are some strong words. What if Safari wins this year?

Then he'd be complete, the triple threat. But, you'll almost never get all three, remember? And the season ain't done, yet.

Wise words, Dick.