Draft Day - Wringing in the new Season

Glitches, bitches hold up Draft, but teams adapt.

The best GM of all time.

Well, it wasn't the prettiest Draft we've ever seen.

With the amount of hype going into this year's 2015-2016 Draft, select-GMs and spectators alike were anticipating a fantastic, ball-swelling, nipple-hardening event. And it was, but that didn't mean that the event went off without a hitch.

"Did you mean 'Sitch'?" asked Sitch, smacking his abs in content.

No Sitch, I meant 'hitch'.

Mr. Fucking Randy, Commissioner extraordinaire (Esq.) was jammed (think chunks of Quebec cheese curds stuffed in the straw of a McHappy drink) with work leading up the Draft, and unfortunately the administering of Keepers failed to connect with Yahoo! (the service provider for the Randy Leagues). Therefore, when select-GM's showed up to the Draft, their respective Keepers had not been automatically selected.

A view of the Keeper Settings, moments before the Draft.

"Bah, shit happens," said an understanding Safari. "We got through it."

Nonetheless, I take full responsibility for the glitch; going forward, ensuring the administering of Keepers will be a top priority.

Anyways, the Keeper issue was eventually resolved; each select-GM had already publicly announced their respective Keepers earlier during the week, so they agreed to refrain from selecting any of the said players until the last round of the Draft. This rule was easier said than done for some select-GM's.

"FUCK! Come on! Is that a dig at me?!" cried Burgundy, who mistakenly selected Giroux during the Draft, who was Tree Bone's Keeper. "I made a mistake! I made a mistake! I made....?"

Jeah! Giroux! Wait... what?

"Oh yeah, major FAIL there, Burgs!" retorted Tree Bone. "I knew what you were up to."

Commissioner Randy was quick to halt the Draft and reverse the selection, but that didn't stop the jeering that ensued inside the Wring. It was tense, it was nerve-wrecking and holy hell was it bodacious.

But perhaps the most stressful moment of the Draft was at the very beginning; with four out of the five select-GM's ready to Draft, Dick Burns was nowhere to be found. Though it's become a custom for Dick to show up at the last moment, he's never actually been LATE to a Draft. Until now.

"I don't know what happened," said Dick. "I ended up at the wrong Draft somehow... I'm sorry for being late, OK? It was dem east coast bitches; they just missed the Dick Burns."

Oops.

Sounds like you were a bit confused with where to log in, Dick. I sincerely hope your noggin is alright. I mean that in the sincerest fashion, given the concussion issues you've had in the past.

So other than these glitches, how was the actual Draft?

Well things started (without Dick Burns) with Tree Bone, who went out and grabbed Tavares, an old favourite of Sitch. With NYI on the upswing, we can be sure that Mr. Tavares will be leading the pack, and Tree Bone will surely profit from the scoring touch he brings to her team.

Hey Burgs, how do you like this gun show?

Once he showed up, Dick Burns (who had the second overall selection) picked up Carey Price, arguably the most sought after tender in the League. With his consistency and superstar status, Dick is sure to have a solid season in net, assuming he doesn't fly off the radar (which has happened repeatedly in the past).

Price is right, bitches.

With the third overall selection, Safari snatched up another one of Sitch's favourites, Tyler Seguin.

"Sitch picked him really early last year," said Safari. "I was shocked; I didn't think anyone would have picked him (Seguin) so early, but I had to give props to Sitch for making that bold pick. I guess he'll be giving me the props this year, eh? MUAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

With the fourth overall selection, last year's runner up, Sitch, retaliated by selecting Jamie Benn, the NHL's leading scorer from last season.

"Never had him on my team before," said Sitch. "It's a weird feeling having new faces in the house; I've usually selected Handsome Hank with my first pick, so this was different."

"This is exactly how his body looks," said Sitch.

And finally, defending Champion Burgs ("FUCK JEAH!" said Burgs) went out and hooked Evgeni Malkin with the fifth selection.

"Oh my fucking gawd, what could be better than having a stiff Crosbone? Well, how about a little milk to dip it in? Or should I say, Malk!"

"I fucking love Vitamin R!" said Burgs.

I've never stirred my bone in a cup'o'malk, Burgundy, but let me know how that goes.

Like I said, there were glitches, but at the end of the day, players were selected and teams were formed. Whether each and every select-GM is happy with their roster is left to be seen; in my eyes, it really seemed like this year's Draft was unlike other Drafts. There were a lot of amazing player performances from last year which factored into this year's Draft results. In addition, there's the 'next Crosby' in McDavid and the 'respectable consultation prize' in Eichel. Both were selected, but will both prevail? Only time will tell.

"I have one word for you gentlemen and lady," said Dick Burns, "and that's 'Columbus'."

Wise words, Dick.