WK7 - GM's Quarterly I

Safari, perched high above in the ivory tower.

WK7 is in the books, which also coincidentally acts as a checkpoint for the first quarter mark of the Wring. Safari has managed to sit atop the rankings for three consecutive weeks, though the rest of the competition is in hot pursuit. What has this quarter brought us so far? Who's been sizzling like a Montreal-style steak? Who's been vulnerable like a sitting Anaheim Duck? Commissioner Randy has the answers, as always.

SELECT-GM OF THE QUARTER - DICK BURNS

(Honourable mention: Safari)

Let's go Team DB!

This one was close. Though Dick Burns sits second on the standings, I'm giving him Select-GM of the Quarter because his picks of Price and Pacioretty single-handedly freaked out the entire competition in the early going; Montreal got off to an insane start and both of these players were leading the way. Though Price got injured, he's stats are still in the top 10 and he's returning to action.

Safari gets honourable mention here as he's also been impressive early on too; Seguin, Ovechkin and Tarasenko are cashing in and his scoring doesn't seem to be dropping at all.

JARED COWEN OF THE QUARTER - BURGUNDY

(Honourable mention: N/A)

I play good.

The Jared Cowen Award, otherwise known as the 'Butt-Fucked' award, goes to Burgundy this quarter. If any of you have seen Jared Cowen (Ottawa Senators) play recently, you'll know what I'm talking about.

"Fuck, I hate the JC Award," said a melancholy Burgundy.

Jared's had it pretty tough since he held out for a contract a while back, and his play hasn't measured up since. Burgundy has had a rough go as well; his faith in Ben Bishop (Tampa Bay) has been tested, and the Crosbone hasn't been the same scoring machine this year.

"Don't worry, Burgs!"

His goal scorers have been streaky at best, and there seems to be a lack of consistency throughout his team. Who would have thought Burgundy would have trouble scoring with Crosbone and Malkin on his roster?

STEALTH OF THE QUARTER - TREE BONE

(Honourable mention: N/A)

Tree Bone, lurking in the shadows.

She sports the highest PPGP among players, the second highest PPGP among goalies and is leading overall PPGP. She's got Patrick Kane lighting it up every single night. And she ranks... fourth?

Yes, Tree Bone is quietly picking up points at a high rate while conserving her games. Whether this is deliberate strategy or not is unknown, but she's doing an admirable job at sticking with her guns and keeping it cool. No need to have any back-up purses here; Tree Bone ain't gonna vomit anytime soon.

"You never know," said Tree Bone. "Give it time."

Classy as always, Tree Bone. Anyways, this wouldn't be a complete weekly report if we didn't include the visuals, courtesy of the stats machine. Here they are:

Friends, a quarter of this season is already through. Only 60 or so games left until this chapter is wrapped up. Again, this year is shaping up to be one of the closest races we've ever seen. Do not for one second believe that your team is out of it. Every single select-GM has a fair shot at winning it all. Get pumped, get motivated. Grab that belt and yank it up your thighs.

"Funny, I usually do the opposite," said Dick Burns.

Wise words, Dick.